Borderline
by twinerdforlife
Summary: Her angel flew away and abandoned her at a young age, leaving her with him. The man that should have been her hero, but ended up being her nightmare. Now Bella finds herself in prison for life. Will Edward be able to save her with one simple diagnosis?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer**

**So, this is a little plot bunny that just wouldn't leave me alone.**

**Thanks to my amazing beta's opheliabreathes and Rose and my pre-reader MrsK81, for fixing my many errors. I'd be lost without them.  
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**Warning: This fic will contain very dark themes. I will be sure to put up extra warnings for certain chapters.**

**Prologue**

_Fuck! How did my life come to this? How did I end up here, between these cement walls and black bars?_ I asked myself as I sat on my lumpy mattress, trying to avoid my pillow.

It was now soiled thanks to the prison guard that just chose to piss all over it. He had to throw his weight and power around somehow. He was proving the point that he was in charge and I better not act out of line. Yeah, he was a real asshole. I guess I sort of deserved it for acting out in defiance.

I hated being here. I shouldn't be here, but I am and I needed to accept that. I needed to get control over my anger and attitude and acknowledge that I have a problem.

_Well, it might be too late for that. I should've determined that a long time ago._

It was my crazy personality that landed me here anyway. No, I wasn't going to allow myself to go down that path. Thinking about why I'm here will just set me off on another wild tangent again. There's no telling what the prison guard will piss on or worse next time.

I sighed and rolled over again, but didn't get a chance to sulk, before the asshat was back.

"Swan, you have a visitor." Dick guard announced.

_Who on earth would come and visit me?_

I had no siblings and my mother Renee has never really been in my life. If I were to put it nicely she is a bit of a flake. To put it honestly though, she is a bitch whore of a mother that left me when I was a little girl. I want so badly not to blame her, but I can't help but feel like she is the reason I'm here in the first place. She left me with _him_.

If she had been there for me growing up, maybe I wouldn't be here now, sleeping in piss and listening to cat calls and whimpering all night from my fellow inmates. I was determined not to cry while here. I wouldn't give Piss Guard the satisfaction.

Oh, believe me; I had plenty to cry about. I could fill a river full of tears with the pent up disappointment and sadness I felt inside, but I just couldn't release them. Not here anyway, maybe when I get out of this hell hole I will. Well, if I ever get out of here. I had only been here for five years, but it felt like fifty. Time moves slowly behind bars.

I reached for my cigs before leaving my cell. I hoped they would let me out for a smoke after this little meeting. I had no clue who would come to see me. I had no one on the outside that loved me. I'd made sure to alienate myself throughout the years. I was hated by many thanks to my stellar personality and I liked it that way.

I continued along my path behind the new guard, head down the whole way, hands clasped together in the cold steel metal cuffs. It was times like this that the harsh cold reality came back and I truly felt like the criminal I was.

Again, I blame_ her _for this. For landing me here, for leaving me and not loving me enough to save me from my hell. Where was she when I was on trial and being sentenced? Not by my side that's for damn sure. You would think after all of this time, I'd be over it. I wouldn't care that she abandoned me, but I do and I always will.

I walked into the visitation room with my head still down. I didn't want Piss Guard to see anything in my eyes that might give my true disgust for him away. The guard sat me down roughly in the bright orange chair that matched my jumpsuit, making sure my chains were locked to the table so I couldn't attack anyone. Yes, because I'd been so violent since I had been here. Well, maybe I had just a little, but I'm an angry person and don't like being told what to do.

Once seated, albeit uncomfortably, I refused to look up to see who my visitor was. I knew it was no one I cared about, because I truly cared for no one aside from Rose and Jasper.

The loud throat clearing eventually made me look up into startling green eyes, that looked as sad and troubled as I'm sure mine did.

"Dammit." I murmured.

"Excuse me? What was that Ms. Swan?"

"Oh uh…Nothing. Who the hell are you anyway?" My bitchy façade firmly in place.

He might be a pretty face, but that didn't mean shit to me. I'd seen plenty of pretty men before and they all had one thing in common. They all left me for some reason or another. I'd be damned if I would let that happen again.

"So, you gonna tell me who you are or are you gonna play a game? I like games sugar." I couldn't help taunting him a little and mockingly fluttering my eyes at him like a damn butterfly.

"Hmm… Let's see. My new lawyer? I'm right aren't I. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner folks. Well sweetie, might as well save your time. I'm in here for life," I told him the truth. I reclined back in my seat too as I noticed I had gotten uncomfortably close to his face.

I had been convicted and sent to the Mountain View Unit Prison for Women in the great State of Texas. The place they put the hard criminals. Not those little jails for petty crimes like theft and drugs, no this was the place they put murders, rapists, and hardcore drug dealers or crime lords.

It seemed women often took the fall for their men in those cases, which led them right here to my new humble abode. They convicted me to life, but a chance of parole in twenty years if I could prove I had changed. I would never apologize for the crime I committed. Not even for my freedom.

I came to from my thoughts when I heard that annoying throat clearing sound.

"No, Ms. Swan. I'm Mr. Edward Cullen, your new psychiatrist. I've been reviewing your case and I think we can get you a retrial and change your plea to insanity. You got to admit that living in a psychiatric ward would be better than being locked up behind bars."

This guy was pissing me off quickly and I wanted to rage and throw chairs, but I took a deep breath before responding.

"Listen dip shit… I don't need any favors from anyone. I know what I did and I know why I'm here. There isn't anything you or anyone else can do about it. Don't think you're the first quack to walk in here and act like my savior." I paused for a moment taking another deep breath to calm myself before the guard came over here and punished me for my aggressive behavior.

"Look, I've come to terms with my punishment and am trying to make amends for my sins. This is what I get and though I don't feel like I deserve to be here for what I did, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I'm here and it's final. Now if you don't mind why don't you take your shiny shoes and your perfectly sculpted hair and get out of here. I need a smoke."

I snapped my fingers to get the guards attention to let him know I was ready to go back to my cell. I was done here.

I didn't know who this guy was coming in here and making promises that he would never be able to keep, but I don't need any handouts from anyone. I never have and I never will. I've managed to do alright now for twenty three years.

Mr. Shiny Shoes held up his hand to stop the guard from coming over.

"Ms. Swan, I'd really appreciate it if you'd listen to me for a minute. I really think I could help you." He leaned forward, looking into my eyes and trying to force me to believe him.

"They were wrong. There were errors all over that trial. I've read the manuscripts and the court ordered therapist's notes, you shouldn't be here Ms. Swan. Now, I can't do this on my own. I can't go in there and demand a retrial without your approval. Don't you want to know what's really wrong with you?

He stared straight into my eyes as if he could see the years of abuse plain as day, as if he knew what I did and how I ended up here. He was trying too hard to convince me that he could really help me.

"I know what _he _did to you and that your life hasn't been easy. I know that you've had to go through this on your own, but dammit Ms. Swan, for once in your life don't push someone away that truly wants to help you."

He pushed back in his chair and blew out a frustrated breath. I just glared at him. He'd pissed me the fuck off and I was ready to blow a gasket.

I leaned across the table making sure he heard my words, making sure he knew what his words of hope and encouragement meant to me.

"Why do you care so much anyway Mr. Shiny Shoes? What does it matter to you if I waste away here in this prison? Huh?"

I didn't wait for his answer just kept right on yelling in his face.

"If you can answer that, then maybe I'll talk to you." I was getting defensive, which was my usual tactic for evading situations and getting too close to people.

I don't trust anyone, ever save Rose and Jasper. I don't know why he thought he would be any different. Everyone's the same. They suck you in and bleed you dry one way or another.

"Because…" He paused and I looked up to see his eyes shining with unshed tears. "Because someone I knew wasn't as lucky as you. They didn't stand up for themselves the way that you did. I couldn't protect them or help them and they chose the easy way out."

Oh hell no, I wasn't letting him out this easy. He was going to tell me who he thought this chicken shit was. He knew nothing about me and he was acting like he could save me, save the world even. What? Because someone he knew had something bad happen to them? I don't give a shit, it doesn't affect me.

"Who? Who Mr. Cullen? Who was this alleged coward as you seemed to think them?" I was right in his face now heart beating wildly.

I didn't care about his sob story. I knew what he was trying to do. He probably didn't know anyone. Probably just trying to use a made up story to get me to cave. Well I wasn't buying his fake tears. I'm a lot of things but naïve isn't one of them.

He was matching me tit for tat now and got right back up into my face. I'm surprised the guards weren't intervening, but they were probably enjoying this too much.

"You want to know who the coward was Ms. Swan? The person that I ignored for years when she cried out for help, but I was too selfish and preoccupied to worry over her? I'll tell you. It was my sister!"

**A/N: Thank so much for reading. This is going to be a dark and twisty ride and I hope you'll stick with me.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer**

**Thank you all so much for the alerts, favorites and reviews for the prologue. They truly brought a smile to my face. **

**Thanks to my amazing beta Rose, she really makes me think about the plot.** Also, to opheliasmuse for her beta expertise as well.** Special thanks to Dream of the Endless for her support and help with computer software and to lynzylee for her help with all things Texas. Thanks so much ladies!**

**Warning: This fic will contain very dark themes. I will be sure to put up extra warnings for certain chapters.**

**This chapter will contain scenes of physical and verbal abuse. If you are sensitive to this, please skip this chapter. I would be happy to give you a synopsis of what happened.**

**Now let's meet that angel shall we.**

**If you'll remember the prologue takes place after Bella had been in prison for five years. This takes place a little over year from the beginning of her prison sentence.**

**The Arms of an Angel**

**Chapter 1**

I'll never forget the day she left me with him. I was just six years old and Mama had on the prettiest white dress. That dress made her look just like an angel. Her smile brightened up any room and her deep, brown eyes seemed to dance when she laughed. Both men and women would stare whenever she walked in a room. She had long, sandy blonde hair and legs that looked like she had spent years in dance class, stretching them to make them look extra long and lean. My Daddy worshiped her and always had his hands on her in one way or another. The men were jealous of him because he was the one that got to take my Mama home every night. The women were catty, small-town minded women, that were fuming when their husbands stared a little too long at those long legs of hers. I heard those catty women whispering about Mama too.

Growing up in the small town of Rising Star, TX, you would think with the name like Rising Star, there would be lots to do, but there wasn't much for these women to do in the way of entertainment here. The only rising stars were the ones they made famous with their gossip. They got off on talking about the lives of others, all the while keeping their lives hush hush. In a place that was always hot and humid and the gossip they created made it even hotter for those in the community. The things they said caused a lot of people to be hot under the collar at the absurdity or flushed with embarrassment that they would even mention such things in public. Mama never really associated with those women. She was polite, sure, but never gave into their taunts and pleading for more information on the good Dr. Masen. That was the best part about her was she was just as kind and gracious as she was outwardly beautiful. She volunteered at the hospital and church, giving all of her free time to them.

Looking back on it, I guess I should have realized that she loved her so-called "charities" more than her own family. I don't know if it was always that way, if she always spent more time helping others than her spending time with us, but as far back as I can remember that was how it was. I remember thinking she spent an awful lot of time laughing with Dr. Masen. He being the reason I called them "so-called" charities, as she spent a lot of this charity work time with him. She would sometimes let me go with her and they would laugh and whisper to each other most of the time. Daddy never cared too much about Dr. Masen or Mama's charity work with him. In fact he would always get really mad at her when we would come home and ask her a lot of questions about what she had been doing all day and who she had been doing it with.

In spite of the tension Mama created over her friendship with Dr. Masen, we had your basic loving family with family dinners and breakfasts on the weekends. However, Daddy did have his moments where he would get angry over little things, but it all seemed to come to a head one night when Mama came home too late. Daddy lost control after that in such a way that it changed our lives forever.

I remember her coming home one night and I was so excited to see her. I ran down the steps, skipping some as I went to get to her quicker. I stopped before I reached the bottom step, however, because I heard Daddy screaming at Mommy. I crept down to the last step and peeked around the corner. What I saw made me all confused.

Daddy had Mama up against the front door, holding her by the neck. She was trying to scream and was crying to get him off of her. She started turning a reddish-purple color and it scared me. I ran into the room screeching for Daddy to let go of my Mama.

He let her go alright and stared right at me. For as long as I live, I will be haunted by the look he gave me. It brought those little bump things to my skin like when I get really cold and I just wanted to run away from Daddy.. He slowly started stalking toward me and I didn't know what to do. Daddy gets mad sometimes when I try to run from him and he wants to give me spankings, so I just stayed put. Mama was gasping and rubbing her neck while big tears fell down her pretty face. She looked like she does after she's been out running in the morning. Her hair was messy and she looked all wet and sticky. Her clothes were all wrinkled like mine get when I've been outside playing. I think her dress was broken too. It was hanging down her shoulder and she was holding it up with her hands. She looked messy and I knew that my Daddy did this to her. _Daddy broke my angel_, I thought.

"Daddy, why'd you hurt Mama?"

He didn't answer, just continued to creep closer and glare at me. If Mama was an angel in her white pretty dress tonight, then Daddy surely was that devil guy they talk about in church. He was all red on his face and neck and scary looking.

"Daddy, please stop!" I cried. "You're scaring me."

He didn't stop. Thankfully, Mama had caught her breath enough to come to my rescue.

"Charlie," she croaked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Charlie!" This time it was a little louder, with a little more force.

Daddy turned around and looked at Mama again. "Leave her alone, Charlie. She's just a child. It's me you're angry with. That's your daughter. Think about what you're doing," she said. It sounded like she was trying to yell, but her voice couldn't get loud enough.

That seemed to get his attention. Daddy spun around so fast and started walking toward Mama. I was so afraid he was going to hurt her again. I started to yell at Daddy to get his attention away from Mama, but Mama stopped me.

"Bella-Bug, why don't you go on up to your room and I'll be there in a minute to read you a story. Alright?" It didn't seem alright, but I did love when Mama read me my favorite princess stories. She made the best voices for all of the characters.

"Okay, Mama. Promise you'll come tuck me in and read to me?"

"I promise. Go on now. I'll be right up. I just need to talk to Daddy for a minute."

"Okay, Mama. Can we read _The Little Mermaid_ tonight?"

"Sure, Bug. Go get your pajamas on and brush your teeth. I'll be right up."

I glanced at Mama one more time before turning up the steps. I think she was trying to give me a comforting smile, but it looked like she was in pain. I was scared to leave her alone with Daddy. I didn't want him to hurt her again, but if my angel, Mama, said she was okay, then I believed her. I looked at Daddy again too; he still looked all red and mean.

I didn't like seeing my Daddy like this. I didn't like Daddy hurting my angel. She was too pretty to cry. I wanted to say that, too, but I was scared Daddy would get mad again, so I just continued up the stairs.

When Mama came in and started reading I forgot about scary Daddy for a minute, but it still wasn't the same. I think she was sleepy, because her voice sounded all scratchy and she kept rubbing her face and eyes while she read. I wanted to see my angel smile again, so I tried to do the other voices in the story. I had her read two more princess stories after _The Little Mermaid_, because she had the prettiest princess voice ever. It was like having my own personal Cinderella there in my room when Mama read to me.

"And they all lived happily ever after. The end," she said.

"Mama, do people really live happily ever after like in my princess books?"

"I hope that you will have a happily ever after, Bug," she replied.

"Do you think I'll grow up and meet my handsome Prince Charming?"

"I think you will meet the most handsome Prince Charming there ever was."

"I can't wait."

"Now don't rush growing up on me. You're still my little princess."

"You'll always be my angel, Mama," I said, letting out a loud yawn.

"Time for this sleeping beauty to go to sleep. All princesses need their beauty rest. Come on now, Bug, close your eyes."

"Mama, will you sing to me?"

"Of course, Baby. I want you to remember something, remember that if I'm ever not here to tuck you in and sing to you your favorite lullabies, that I'm still always with you right here." She placed her hand over my heart to show me where she would be. I didn't understand what she was saying or why she was crying, I just wanted to hug her close to me.

"I love you forever and always," I said, giving her a big bear hug. She squeezed me tighter to her, so hard that I almost couldn't breathe.

"Oh, baby. I will love you forever and always no matter how far apart we are. You will always be my little Bug." She was getting my face all wet with her tears. She pulled away and looked down at me with a sad smile.

"Take care of your Daddy. He loves you very much and he's going to need you. Can you be my big girl and help him out?"

"I am a big girl. I love helping you and Daddy."

"I know Baby-Bug. You are the best helper ever. You're getting to be such a big girl. I'm going to miss this so much. I'm going to miss snuggling with you and your little laughter and your big bear hugs and your Eskimo kisses. Speaking of which…Where are my Eskimo kisses?"

"Right here, Mama," I said. I touched my nose for her to rub hers against mine. Eskimo kisses from my angel were the bestest. I didn't understand what Mama was talking about though when she said she was going to miss me and my hugs and kisses.

"Why are you gonna miss all of that?"

"Oh, no reason. Shh…you just go on to sleep now. I love you Baby-Bug."

"I love you too Mama Angel."

=================B==================

I ran out of my bed the next morning to find Mama and give her good morning hugs and kisses. I couldn't find her, though.

"Mama! Mama! Mama!" I was yelling all over the house. I started out looking for her in her bedroom and then headed downstairs when I couldn't find her. I was beginning to get scared, because Mama was always there when I called for her.

"Mama, where are you? Are you playing hide-n-seek with me, Mama? Come out, come out, wherever you are," I chanted while giggling. Mama knew how much I loved hide-n-seek. I was the best finder ever, Mama said.

"I'm going to find you Mama angel. Are you in here?" I swung open the pantry door. Mama always liked to hide in the pantry, but today she wasn't in there. I looked in a few more places and still couldn't find her. Where on earth could she be?

"Okay Mama, I give up. Please come out. I'm starting to get scared." My eyes welled up with tears, but then I heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Mama!" I took off running toward the stairs thinking I had found her.

"I found you little girl," Daddy said in that mean voice from last night. I've seen my daddy like this before when he tried to give me spankings or when I leave my toys out in the living room. I didn't like when he got like this, but I knew that I could smile at him and give him hugs and he would feel better.

"Oh, hi Daddy. Have you seen Mama? Do you feel better this morning? You scared me last night," I said as I tried to give him a good morning hug and kiss.

"Not now little girl. It's too damn early for you to be yapping your mouth. Do you ever shut up? Your Mama should have taken you with her. That good for nothing woman left us last night and now I have to take care of you."

I couldn't understand what my daddy was saying, but his face was getting red again and his voice sounded mean and scary like last night. It looked like Mean Daddy was here again. I covered my backside, because I knew that he would spat my behind with his hand. I didn't like when Daddy used his hand on me and I didn't like him right now, either. He liked giving me lots of hugs and tells me how much he loves me, but not when he gets his Mean Daddy face on. Mama was usually here to help me when Daddy gets this way. I started crying for my angel.

"Daddy, what's wrong? Why are you so mad? Where is Mama at? I want Mama!" I shouted at him and stomped my foot.

"Your Mama? Your Mama is gone and not coming back. Now where is my breakfast? Renee always has breakfast made for me in the mornings."

"But Daddy, I'm just a little girl. I don't know how to make that," I cried.

"Listen here, little girl. You'll figure it out if you know what's good for you. Your Mama always took care of these things and now it's up to you to do them. Stop being a baby about it and go make me some breakfast," he demanded.

I didn't understand Daddy at all. Why was he so mad at me? Why wasn't he hugging and kissing me like he always did in the morning? We usually made pancakes for Mama on the weekends. Why weren't we doing that now? I didn't like him this morning.

"Daddy, it's Saturday. We always make Mama breakfast on Saturday. Come with me to the kitchen and I can help stir the batter like you showed me," I said as I tugged on his hand to follow me.

Daddy pulled his arm away from me and it hurt my arm a little.

"I already told you once, little girl. You have to make breakfast now. Renee's not here and you need to be a big girl and go make my breakfast.

"Daddy, you're being mean. You need to go to time out." He just laughed at me, but not his normal, happy laugh. No, this was a scary laugh, and I didn't like it.

Daddy grabbed me by my face hard, and it hurt really bad. He yelled at me, too.

"You listen and listen good, little girl, I'm your daddy and I said to stop crying and fix me some breakfast. You need to clean this place up, too. It's a fucking mess," he said as he threw a can of that gross soda stuff that he likes to drink sometimes. Mama always called it his special soda and I wasn't s'posed to touch it. I didn't want to either. It smelled really stinky, kind of like Daddy's breath did this morning.

"Daddy," I cried. You're hurting me, please stop Daddy, please." He didn't let go just squeezed my face harder and yelled at me some more. I didn't know what I did wrong. I picked up all my toys last night like Mama asked. I really just wanted my mama right now.

"I want Mama," I yelled again. "What'd you do with my mama, Daddy?"

He gave my face one more tight squeeze, then pushed me away.

"I already told you. Your mama is gone and not ever coming back. She didn't love you or me anymore. She loved those damn charities and that piece of shit Dr. Masen. The whore left us for him. She doesn't care about you, little girl. She didn't want you or she would've taken you with her. You don't mean anything to her and you don't mean shit to me either. Now stop that crying before I give you something to cry about!"

I couldn't stop crying. He was lying. My angel loved me. She told me so last night, when she sang my favorite lullaby to me. My angel would never leave me.

"Stop it, Daddy. I know Mama loves me. She tells me so all the time. You're hurting my feelings, Daddy."

"Little girl, that's enough. Shut your damn mouth and clean up the floor." He had spilt his gross soda all over the floor. I didn't want Daddy to yell or hurt me anymore so I ran to get a towel to wipe off the floor. I couldn't stop crying, but I really wanted to cause I was afraid of what my daddy might do to me if I didn't.

"Better hush it up, little girl. I don't want to hear another peep out of you. Your mama's gone and it's time to grow up." Daddy poured his gross soda on my head as I was cleaning up the stuff off the floor. I just cried harder.

My mama was gone and my daddy was mean. I didn't know what I did to either of them, but it made my heart hurt really bad. It felt like it does in the sad or scary parts of my princess books. I didn't like my heart to feel like that. I couldn't stop crying, but my crying seemed to make him madder at me.

"Dammit, I said stop that crying shit now! You're too big to be acting like a little baby. That's it. You know what happens to little girls that don't behave?"

I shook my head.

"They get spankings; now come here." He started taking off his big brown belt. I didn't understand what he meant. I didn't know what a spanking was, but I learned the hard way.

He grabbed me by my arm and pulled me onto his lap. He took his big brown belt and hit me with it hard across my bottom and back. I cried out because it hurt.

"Daddy! Please stop! Daddy! You're hurting me."

"I'm not stopping until you promise you'll be a good little girl and not turn out like your whore of a mother." he said as he hit me hard on my bottom with the belt

I'm going to keep beating you until you don't look like _her_ anymore." I hate her for leaving me. You're nothing but a burden to me." I didn't know what burden was, but I could tell from the way he hit me harder, that it wasn't a good thing. I didn't want to be a burden to my daddy, 'specially if he was going to hurt me for it.

"She might have left me, but I'll have the last laugh. I promise you that, little girl."

"Daddy, I'm sorry about Mama. I promise I'll be a good little girl. I won't be like Mama. I won't leave you and I'll help. I will, Daddy, please stop hurting me." The tears were pouring down my face and it was getting hard to breathe. I don't know how long Daddy hit me with his belt, but I must've fallen asleep during it. I guess that's what happened, cause I woke up on the floor and he was sitting beside me crying too.

"Oh, baby girl. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you or yell at you. I love you, Princess. I'm so sorry baby, so sorry." He kept on saying that over and over while tears fell from his eyes, too.

"I don't know what we're going to do without her." He picked me up and gave me a big hug as he cried on me. I let out a cry because he was hurting me. My back was hurting where he hit me with his belt. Daddy just cried harder when he heard me.

"I'm sorry, Bella. Daddy's so sorry. I love you baby and I never want to hurt you again. I didn't mean it, I promise. Can you forgive Daddy for hurting you, Baby girl?" I just nodded my head and let him cry some more. My Daddy cried for a long time and my legs were starting to hurt from standing up for so long. He finally let me go and wiped his face.

"Daddy promises to never do that again, Baby. We're a team now, sweet girl. It's you and me. You're all I have left in this world, princess. I love you so much Bella. Why don't you go on up and take your bath for today? I'm going to cook you your favorite breakfast."

"Chocolate chip pancakes, Daddy?"

"You got it, Baby girl. Go on up. It'll be ready by the time you get done."

"Will you put the smiley face on it with the cool whip?"

"Of course, Pumpkin."

I bathed as quickly as I could, trying to remember how Mama put that soapy stuff in my hair and the stuff that made my hair soft afterwards. I washed it all out of my hair and got dressed. The knots wouldn't come out of my hair and made me cry when I couldn't comb them out It made me miss my mama. She always knew how to get the knots out of my hair. Maybe Daddy could help do it. I ran downstairs with my comb in hand.

"Daddy, can you get these knots out of my hair? Mama used to do it, but she's not here right now and I can't get them out." I don't know what I said that made him mad again, but it must have been bad. He started getting that puffy red face again.

"I've already told you once, little girl, your Mama isn't coming back. Now you need to be a big girl and comb your own hair."

"But Daddy, I don't know how and it hurts my head. Can you do it, please?"

"Give me the damn comb." He grabbed the comb and pulled me to him by my hair. It hurt my head even more than pulling on the knots.

"Ouch Daddy, that hurts!"

"Oh that hurts, does it? Well, it looks like we are going to have to toughen up then, if we are going to get by without your mama. It hurt me when she left too. Pain is just something you're going to have to get used to." He kept pulling my hair harder and harder. I felt like he was pulling my hair off of my head.

"Daddy, please stop. I think I can do it. I can be a big girl, Daddy, like we talked about. I'm sorry."

When he heard me crying again, he stopped pulling my hair and started crying again.

"I did it again. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm hurting my innocent little girl. Why? Why did she have to leave me? What did I do wrong? All I did was love her with all of my heart. Why wasn't that enough to keep her?" He was crying really hard when he said this and I didn't know how to fix my daddy.

I just hugged him and patted him on the back. I didn't know what to do, but I just wanted my old daddy back and my mama too.

Daddy was right, though, if Mama was really gone, I needed to be big girl and help him out. I was scared of what would happen to me and Daddy if I didn't.

==================B====================

Thinking back on that painful day, I wish I could say that was the last time he ever hurt me or yelled at me, but it wasn't. It was just the beginning; things only got worse. Much, much worse. Daddy's words became my daily chant. "Why wasn't our love for Mama Angel enough to keep her?"

"Let's get a move on it, Swan. We don't have all day. Get your ass back in your cell now."

Fuck that, she was no angel. An angel wouldn't have abandoned her daughter to the hell I had to live through. An angel would've rescued them from that hell, such as the one I'm now in. She was the devil right along with _him_. The man I considered Lucifer himself, my daddy, Charlie.

Now I was pissed off and needed to take my aggression out on something. I always wanted to beat the shit out of something or someone when I thought too much about my "amazing" parents. It was like poison in my body that needed to be extracted. _Looks like my mattress will have to do again, _I thought.

I began my attack on the poor old crusty mattress, letting out all of the pain that the previous memories conjured up. That first initial contact with was like a drug through my veins; it both calmed and enraged me. The mattress was Charlie and I was getting my revenge for the innocent girl he abused. I continued kicking and punching while thinking back on my life and how I used to handle my anger and hurt.

I'd been here for a little over a year now and had gotten used to finding unique ways of letting out tension. On the outside it was easy: a good rough lay usually did the trick. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a whore by any means. I had my standard go-to guys. There were only three of them and I was in a committed relationship with all of them, but in the end they all gave up on me. All of them told me the same thing: I was nothing but a frigid bitch. They wanted to fall in love; I just wanted to forget. I'd never felt love from anyone, and as far as I am concerned, it doesn't exist. Lust, sure. Hate? You're damn right it does. But love, no way in hell.

With my head lost in thoughts, I continued my attack on the poor mattress. "That's right, take that, bitch," I said while punching it as hard as my fist would let me.

"Whoa, easy there, Killer. We don't want to draw the guard's attention again," Rosie said.

Rosie was my cellmate, and the only person I would ever describe with the word friend, and even then I used it loosely. It was more that we understood each other. Rose had a similar upbringing to mine. Her uncle Carlisle did things to her that in turn made her end up here with me. He made her into some weakly whore. I say this because she turned loosy goosy after sweet uncle Carlisle had his way with her. She just wanted to find love. She thought she had found in one Royce King and what she found was a lifetime in prison.

She ended up taking the fall for her "man" as she called him. I just called him Captain Douche. He pulled the trigger, but convinced her that she would get less time if she took the blame for it. She was blinded by her so called "love" for him, and fell for his words, hook, line and sinker.

Where was he now? Oh, probably off with one of his other whores. Those were Rosie's words not mine. She'd wizened and hardened up while being here. She had been here two years longer than I had and was holding out hope for parole. She didn't have money for a big fancy lawyer and Mr. Royce King had left her high and dry once she took the fall for his crime; thus proving my point that love is a crock of shit.

My fist was going all out balls-to-the-wall on the mattress now as Rosie got my anger up even more.

"Watch out bitch or your face will be next," I teased. I gave the bag one last hard kick to show her I was serious.

"Oh, Swan, I'd like to see you try."

I began rubbing my hands and letting out my fist to relax it after that workout.

"Alright, alright, I'm done annihilating the poor mattress."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Nope, I did my talking to my pillow. I'm good for now." I didn't feel like rehashing old demons that would lead to our nightmares tonight. No, thank you.

If only it were that easy to just forget about all of the shit I've been through with _him_. I've learned the hard way that you can never forget your nightmares, nor can you leave them behind. I'll forever be ruled by my painful past and the man behind it. If only those first few days were the worst of what he did to me. I could have lived with that. Sadly, that barely even scratched the surface. Sometimes I still find myself asking why my love for my supposed Angel Mama wasn't enough. Why had she chose to fly away and abandon me to a life of purgatory? Why she didn't take me with her or call and check on me. Why she promised me that she would love me forever and always, when forever and always actually meant six short years to her. I hated her and I hated him.

"Looks like you were wrong Mama Angel, happily ever after doesn't exist. There will never be a handsome prince to come and save me from the hell you left me in." I mumbled too low for Rose to hear.

**A/N: I know that was rough and Bella is crass and hard. I hope you will all stick with me through these next few chapters as we relive Bella's back story. It's really hard and painful for me to even write, so I understand if you can't stomach reading it. This is essentially a very dark fic. I have plenty of happy go lucky fics in my faves if you ever need cheering up.**

**I will be hanging out on twitter ready to hold your hand and offer encouraging words.**

**Thanks for reading! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer**

**Thank you all so much for the alerts, favorites and reviews. They truly mean so much to me. To those of you that shared personal stories please know you are not alone. I think you are all incredibly brave and strong women.**

**I have a long A author's note at the bottom.**

**Thanks to my amazing beta's opheliabreathes and Rose for fixing my many errors. I'd be lost without them. Thanks to my twitter ladies for the WC's and for keeping me motivated.**

**Warning: This fic will contain very dark themes. I will be sure to put up extra warnings for certain chapters.**

**This chapter will contain scenes of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse. If you are sensitive to this, please skip this chapter. I would be happy to give you a synopsis of what happened.**

**Home Sweet Home**

**Chapter 2**

We were both lost in our own thoughts for a moment, watching the others around us goof off on the basketball court in what little free time we had in this place. I started dwelling on my shitty life, once again thinking about how ironic it was that I considered this living. It was Thanksgiving and I was trying to think of anything I had to be thankful for.

Rose decided to voice my inner musings while we were having a smoke. I fucking hated when she brought shit up. I had a hard enough time trying to forget my demons and now here she was asking about the asshole again. I was so sick of this shit. Sick of feeling, thinking, and reliving the bad dreams. Except they weren't dreams. No, these horrific things had actually happened to me and I had the mental and physical scars to prove it.

I took a long drag from my cigarette, hoping it would calm down my weakening nerves. Blowing out smoke and rage as Rose rambled on about my parents.

"What I don't understand is how the hell no one knew about this? How did he get away with doing that to you all of those years? I mean he was the fucking Chief of police, right?"

I simply nodded in affirmation, and flicked my ashes to the black asphalt while she continued to prattle on about my past.

"I don't understand how he was so above the law that he would do all of that shit to his own daughter. And don't get me started on that so-called _angel_ of yours. What a fucking bitch to leave you with that monster! Good to know that Satan is right where he's supposed to be now."

She was right about one thing; he was right where he was supposed to be.

She preached on as she pulled and puffed smoke out of her nose and mouth. She looked like fucking "Puff the Magic Dragon" the way she was smoking and bitching.

"Enough Rose! I don't want to talk about this shit, okay? I mean do you want to talk about Royce and your uncle dearest? Hmm?"

"No, you're right. I'm sorry B." She sounded small and defeated and I hated myself for making her feel that way.

The hypnotic sound of the beating basketball on the hot black pavement distracted me for a moment and allowed me to settle down.

"I just wanna know and understand is all, B. I'm your friend, remember?" She whispered these words as if someone might hear our darkest secrets.

"I just want to smoke in peace and live out my time here, however long that may be, okay? No one ever figured it out because he was their precious golden boy. He was trained to protect and serve the law and he did - in the community. Home was a different story and I got damn good at hiding the evidence of his transgressions."

"You shouldn't be in here, B. You're way too smart. Listen to that shit you just said. Who uses words like transgressions in this place? You could've done great things, Swan."

"Yeah, but I don't regret what I did and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Plus, I worked my ass off in school to keep 4.0 and graduate at the top of my class. I couldn't let anyone know that something was going on. I just kept hoping that there was something I could do to make him happy and go easy on me for once. I thought if I got bad grades, he would just beat the shit out of me even more. It's fucked up, I know, but maybe getting good grades saved my life."

"I thought you said you didn't want to talk about it." Rose always liked to throw shit in my face.

It's not that this was much of a life or that I even had much of one then. There were plenty of times that I just wished for death - that he would beat me so hard that it would just kill me. He obviously never did, though, and he never left marks where others could see. Well, except the one time he left me with a black eye.

_He came home from work and I had left my book bag on the kitchen counter. It was always the little things that would set him off. I knew better too. I had been so tired from the shit he did to me the night before that I just dropped it off and forgot about it. I never made that mistake again._

I took another long inhale before stamping out my cig and turning back to face Rose.

"Where'd you go, Swan? I was sitting here talking to you for like five fucking minutes. Dude, I'm sorry to keep bringing shit up. I understand what it can do to you. I won't do it again. It's just that I hate that you're in this place."

She started tearing up and I knew she was about to go to her dark place again. I wouldn't be able to stop her though. She needed to get this out and I was just going to have to listen.

"I deserve to be here for my stupidity alone. I'll be damned if I ever let another man into my life. They're all just a bunch of selfish assholes out for one thing. He got what he wanted out of me alright. They all do and it's my uncle's damn fault for that. He made me this way. That fucker should be in prison for what he did to me. He should be rotting away for life, not me," she sobbed.

"Whoa Rose you're getting deep on me. Rose! Come back to me. He's not here, okay? He can't hurt you here. None of them can. Come on let's talk about something else. Did I tell you I caught Mallory and Stanley together the other night? Oh yeah, it was interesting to say the least. If I had a camera, I would've used it and kept that shit for blackmail."

That cracked a smile on her face and brought her back to me. Rose really was beautiful with her long "California girls" blonde hair and her electric blue eyes. They could freeze you out with one look from that bitch brow of hers, though. She was cold and closed off and you just knew not to mess with Rosalie Hale. I was lucky that she took to me. I guess we sort of had to get along after a while, considering we would be cellmates for a very long time.

"Alright, let's go see what slop they're serving up tonight," she said while stomping out her cigarette. I followed suit and we headed off to the chow hall.

The conversation might have been over, but the memories had been stirred and from where they were beneath the surface, they were screaming to come out. It was going to be a sleepless night, for sure. If I were even able to fall asleep, that is.

"Listen, B. I'm sorry for bringing that shit up earlier. If you need me to keep you awake tonight, I will. I know what happens once you've talked about things. I'm here for you alright."

"Yeah, thanks, Rose. I'll be alright," I told her as we filled our trays with the yellowish brown slop that was supposed to be some sort of squash dish. There was also some disgusting looking brown and cream dish that was supposed to be mashed potatoes and gravy. It was Thanksgiving after all and they thought they would treat us to a fancy meal of slop and goop followed by a questionable meat product that was likened to turkey. It all smelled even worse, like a dead carcass that had been lying on the side of the road for days. Mmm… nothing like the smell of road kill to get your appetite going. Yes, we were eating well tonight. They even had some tasty greenish bread product that they swore tasted just like grandma's dressing.

I not sure what the prison cooks grandmothers were feeding them, but when Grandma Swan was still alive, her dressing was nothing like this. Grandma Swan was famous for her turkey and dressing. It had just the right hint of sage and celery that left your mouth watering for more. This Thanksgiving dinner left a lot to be desired and my taste buds unsatisfied. Plus, what was there to be thankful for? Old memories had been tampered with today and it was going to be a long night filled with anything but happy and thankful times. I stood up dumped my tray and waited for the prison guard to escort me back to my cell and lock me in.

Rose had cleaning duty in the mess hall tonight, so I had a few hours to myself. Not that I either wanted or needed them. I needed to find something to preoccupy my thoughts with.

Turns out I was right. Nothing, not even reading could make me lose myself from my actual reality. I lied to Rose earlier, I wasn't alright. I couldn't fight it any longer though, and let sleep take me. My dreams were just as horrific as the memories.

_I was twelve when it first happened. I was stepping into the shower when Daddy walked in. _

"_Daddy? What are you doing in here? I'm trying to take a shower," I screamed while trying to keep myself covered by the seashell print shower curtain._

"_I know what you're doing, little girl," he said as he began taking off his own clothes. I covered my eyes. I didn't want to see a man's thingy. I wasn't supposed to be seeing my daddy like this. This was wrong and made me feel dirty._

"_Daddy! What are you doing?" I asked him as he climbed in the shower behind me._

"_Shh… It's perfectly natural and normal for daddy's to shower with their little girls."_

Rose woke me up before the dream could go any further. She said I was whimpering in my sleep and begging Daddy to leave me alone and get out of the shower. Begging him to not do this to me. While I was thankful for her rescue, it wasn't the dream that bothered me as much as the fact that the dream was reality.

Daddy actually did that to me when I was just twelve years old. I was just a little girl. I shivered at those words. I would never be able to use or hear the words "little girl" without wanting to puke and shake in disgust and anger. That was his pet name for me. He used it from the time Mama left until, well,_ yeah_…

"Bella, it's okay. I'm here and you're safe. Remember what you told me earlier? He can't get you here. I would never let that bastard get near you."

She was trying to soothe me by patting me on the back and holding my hair as I vomited in our sink. Once I knew nothing else was left in me, I turned to sit back on my bed and try to calm down and put a stop to the stupid tears that I had foolishly let fall down my face. Foolish, because what was the point in crying over something that was in the past and couldn't be changed or erased?

I couldn't stop shaking, though. I hadn't had a dream that vivid and realistic in years. I know it was because we were talking about him so much today. No good would ever come from talking about him. I knew this. I held onto Rose for dear life, shivering and sweating like a whore in church. My heart felt as if I'd just got done actually fighting my daddy off of me.

"You okay, B? That's a stupid question. I know you aren't nor will ever be alright, but do you think you are alright enough to go back to sleep?

"Yeah," I croaked out, my voice strained from the crying and the vomiting."I think the worst is over for tonight. Thanks, Rose. You really are a good friend to me."

"Shut it, bitch. Don't go getting emotional on me or I'll have to start slapping you around. I have an image to uphold here and I can't let you go around telling people I'm getting all soft."

I was thankful for her little sprout of humor. It seemed to do the trick as I finally released my death grip on her and let her climb back in her own bed, listening to the creaking and moaning of the well worn springs on her cot above.

When she was silent and I heard the faint sounds of her soft snores, my thoughts drifted back to the dream. It was so real. He was so real and he was going to do that to me again. He'd done it countless times over the years and each time it left me a little more dead inside. I would never get that innocence back, so why did my subconscious continue to dwell on it? The thought remained in my mind as I curled into a ball in my tiny bed and tried to go back to sleep, praying it would be peaceful this time.

The next morning I awoke to the stale smell of piss and cigarettes. That seemed to be a constant in this place. I had been in this same cell, with this same grimy, cement walls, and the same annoying, yet slightly loveable cellmate, for the past four years. The way things had a tendency of staying the same, would lead you to insanity. I thought it might be slightly better than a padded cell, but some days I wasn't sure. It was damn sure better than being in solitary confinement, though. I had to go there a few times in the beginning of my stay here. I blamed it on _him._ It was _his_ fault that I was in here, that I had no life and that I'd never had much of one either. It was his fault that I was so unbelievably angry all of the time.

All of the blame didn't fall on Daddy's shoulders alone. It was _her_ fault for leaving me to this life and never looking back. She never even called, no birthday cards, no Christmas presents, not even a simple postcard from wherever _she_ and the good Dr. Masen ran off to. After all of this time I still didn't understand how she could just leave me. My thoughts were getting the best of me and I needed to settle down.

Thinking about my parents and the life they created for me sent me back to how uncontrollably angry I was in the beginning of my prison sentence. It reminded me of the first time I landed myself in solitary confinement. It was all because of that bitch Stanley.

Stanley had smarted off to me one day while I was getting a workout in. She said something about how my mama had always been a whore and how my daddy had made sure I turned out just like her. I snapped after that, dropping my free weights and attacking her. I landed several good punches to that ugly face of hers and pulled out a handful of that ratty blonde hair, before the guards stopped me. I held it high above my head like it was my token prize for coming out as the victor. I didn't even bother kicking and screaming as the guards pulled me away. Just held my head high and her hair higher, taunting her with it.

It was glorious and I enjoyed every single minute of beating the shit out of her. Even my punishment of solitary confinement for three days, didn't dampen it. I asked the security guy, some dude named Jasper that was actually halfway decent, if I could keep the hair. I told him that it was my prize and I had won it fair and square. I needed something to keep a smile on my face for the next few days and it would surely do the trick. He just smirked at me and made a show of zipping his lips as he locked me in the hole. Yeah, I knew right then and there that Jasper could be one of the few trusted folks in here.

I'd had several bouts of uncontrollable and unexpected anger over the years. They were all on a smaller scale than that of my run in with Stanley. I always felt so much like _him _when it happened.

That's another reason why I didn't have many friends. They could never get past my up and down mood swings. Like father, like daughter is the way I saw it, but they didn't know. They didn't know that the good and loyal Chief of Rising Star, Texas was anything less than a brokenhearted saint. All of those gossip mongers just babied and pampered him after she left. They all felt so bad for poor Charlie Swan and just wanted to make him feel better.

"What kind of woman would just up and leave her husband and her sweet little girl like that," they would say as they brought over casserole dishes, sandwiches and desserts day in and day out for months after Mama left.

For his part, Charlie played up the heartbroken fool. He would shed tears in their presence and just tell them that he didn't understand why she left and why we weren't enough to keep her here. He would tell them how much he loved and missed her and that he would take her back in a heartbeat if she would just come back to Rising Star. That just made them fawn over him even more and as they wiped the nonexistent tears from their eyes with their delicate, lace handkerchiefs.

I always ran out to my tree house when they came over so I wouldn't be tempted to tell them what was really going on. I climbed up there and daydreamed some more about Mama and wondered if she was missing me like I was missing her.

Growing up, I often thought of where she was and what she was doing. I used it as an escape from my own reality. It was my favorite pastime when I was little. It helped block out the beatings to think about Mama and to hope that she would come and rescue me and take me to her castle with her and Dr. Masen. I wanted to be a princess like in the books she read to me.

Daddy didn't beat me every day, because then people would've known. Some days, he would just come in and pass out from drinking too much cheap beer. I was so thankful for those days. As I got older, I even started stealing beer from the refrigerators of what few friends I had. I wanted to keep our fridge stocked with it, so that he would choose to let his anger out on a six-pack instead of me.

Mama never came back to rescue me from Hell, though, and soon my dreams of being a princess in her castle turned to bitter anger and resentment. My daydreams eventually vanished right along with any hope that she would come back for me. I stopped reading my books, because they reminded me of Mama Angel and left me with no outlet or reprieve from my horror of a life.

That all changed when I was ten years old and forced to checkout a book from the library and do a book report on it. I didn't want to. I didn't want to ever read another book again. Books made me think of pretty white dresses that were torn, smudged make up, wet faces, and goodbyes.

I hated books and I hated my teacher at the time for making me read again. I didn't want to do anything associated with _her_ and the night she left me. I didn't have a choice, though, it was pick out a book or take a zero. I knew even at ten years old, that I couldn't afford to take a zero. Taking a zero meant taking a beating from Daddy. That just wasn't an option. I had to suck it up and be a big girl about it.

When she took us the library to pick out a book, I just picked out the first one I could put my hands on. I should have taken more time picking a book out, though. The one I picked ended up causing my first breakdown at school. The book was called _Mama Let's Dance_. It was about a family of three kids, whose mama left them and the oldest two children had to take care of their youngest sister, Callie. The mama never came back and the sweet little girl in the book ended up dying. It hit too close to home. I tried so hard to be brave and make it through my presentation, but I couldn't keep it together. I started talking about the mama leaving and I just broke down crying in front of the whole class. Some of the kids laughed, but the teacher shushed them quickly, bundling me up in her arms and escorting me out of the room.

That was the first time I had ever seen a counselor. Some of the catty women in town mentioned that I should probably see one when they brought over their dishes, but Daddy just shrugged them off and said that his little girl was doing just fine. He later told me that if I ever told anyone about what happened in his house that the brown belt would look like a string of hair compared to what he was going to use on me. I didn't know what that meant really, but knew that I didn't want to find out. That brown belt had become one of my biggest enemies in life. I didn't talk to a counselor again after that day.

I peed myself in class one day when the teacher tried to make me go to the counselor again, because of a picture I had drawn in art class. I begged her not to make me go and she reluctantly agreed.

Daddy had a talk with the school secretary after that and told her that I was just at that age when a girl needs her mama, but that I'd be fine soon enough.

"Oh you're probably right, Charlie. They all tend to be a little weepy at this age, if you know what I mean." The office secretary, Mrs. Cope, whispered the last part because southern women weren't supposed to talk about things like puberty and menstrual cycles out loud, especially not to men. It just wasn't polite society to do so.

"Oh brother, Mrs. Cope, don't remind me about things like that. No Daddy wants to think about his little girl growing up." Always the charmer, Charlie was. They trusted him, he was their chief after all and they never pressured me to talk to anyone again.

Meanwhile, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die over their conversation. They talked as if I wasn't in the room. I was just thankful that Jake Black wasn't in there. He loved to pick on me and I hated him for it. If he had seen me sitting in the office with my daddy and Mrs. Cope he would've started telling everyone that I got in trouble for something.

Daddy reassured me on the way home that no one would bother his little girl again.

"Just be a good little girl for me and I won't have to use that belt. Don't go talking to anyone, you hear me?" As he spoke, he placed his hand on my bare knee. I was wearing a pretty pink flowered skirt that day. He wanted me to wear skirts, because that's what little girls were supposed to wear. I didn't want to anger him, so I never argued when I was young. It made me uncomfortable, but he never did anything inappropriate until that night in shower when I was twelve years old.

Soon, I found I was going through what I was told by the health teacher as "the change." I was confused and didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I knew I had to tell Daddy about it though, because I had heard from some of the other girls that I would need something to stop the bleeding. Daddy got red in the face and told me that I couldn't stop being his little girl because of this and that he would get Mrs. Sue to help me with that each month.

Mrs. Sue was the ring leader of the catty women, but she was better to talk to than Daddy. I didn't ask questions, just nodded and left it at that. I didn't want Daddy to buy me those things anyway. It was so embarrassing and just really made me miss my mama. She would've known just what to say and do to make this better. All my daddy did was just make me feel weird about an already uncomfortable situation

It wasn't long after "the change" started that the shower incident occurred. After that night, I prayed that it would never happen again. I cried for weeks after that first time. I didn't understand it at all. It didn't matter what he said, I knew daddies weren't supposed to do that with their daughter's. It felt wrong and dirty. At twelve, I prayed so hard every night for my Mama Angel to come back. I would gladly take the big brown belt over what he had just done to me.

"Fuck!" I screamed in complete annoyance that my dreams and reality were causing me.

"Shut it, Swan. Some of us would still like to get some sleep. The guards aren't coming around for another thirty minutes." Rose complained. Her mattress squeaked when she flipped over to face the wall and place her pillow over her head.

Well, I could tell she was going to be in rare form today. Looks like it would be best to keep it bottled up and stay to myself. Sure, they had therapists here to talk to and they made me go every day in the beginning, but I never talked and they finally gave up. That's what sent me to solitary confinement for the second time. It, too, had been worth it. Rose was the only person that knew everything— the only person I felt comfortable enough with to share my painful past. We were kindred spirits of the abuse sorts. It wasn't a club I would wish on my worst enemy.

I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep for the remaining fifteen minutes before the jackass guards came around, but it was futile and I knew it. Charlie haunted my every thought. Every movement even now was in reaction to him. I flinched if someone touched me and if this cell had a door knob and lock, I would've tried to lock it as well. If I still got to wear jeans, I would've tried to sleep in several pairs. I shivered as another memory came forth.

_I was fifteen and Daddy still liked to shower with me. I tried locking the door, but it was useless. He would always break in. I was thankful that he never bothered me in my room, only during shower time. _

_That changed one exceptionally chilly night in November. Daddy came home drunk. I thought I was safe because I had locked my door— I thought he would just pass out in his usual alcoholic stupor. I'd been wrong, horribly so. Daddy tried jiggling my door knob, but it wouldn't budge._

"_Little girl, you open this door right now and let Daddy have some sugar." _

_The sounds of the door knob jiggling and his drunken slurs had me searching frantically for a place to hide. I knew Daddy could break into my room with no problem. He would tear the door knob off if he had to. I thought I'd been safe in the confines of my room, but Daddy proved otherwise as he tore through the door with the knob in hand. I was hidden in my closet, peaking through wooden slits. I tried my best to control my breathing so he wouldn't find me. I wasn't sure why I thought I could hide from him; I knew he would find me. My room wasn't that big. _

"_Oh, so you want to play a game do you, little girl? Come out, come out wherever you are. Are you under here?" He asked as he pulled back my purple comforter._

_I kept my eyes on him and prayed that he wouldn't find me. That he would just give up and go to bed. I knew better, though. I'd just made this a game for him now. It probably turned him on more. That thought disgusted me even further._

"_You're not in your bed waiting for me, maybe you're under here," he guessed again as he looked under the bed._

"_Dammit Renee, this isn't funny."_

_I held back a sob. I hated when he called me by her name. It was either "little girl" or "Renee." He always confused me for her, because I looked so much like her. I hated her for it. I thought that if I looked a little less like her, then he would leave me alone. I knew though, deep down that it wouldn't make any difference. He had been doing this to me since I was twelve years old. Just a child's body. _

_I panicked when he started to get closer to me. I could tell he'd grown even angrier and I knew from experience that it would only be worse if I made him wait. I sat there trembling in that closet for thirty long seconds trying to decide what I should do. Should I just come out and face what I knew was to come or continue to pray that he would give up or pass out. The closer his footsteps came to the closet, the more I realized he wasn't going to give up. I needed to come on out. _

_I waited too late, though. Daddy swung open the closet doors and jerked me up by my hair slinging me onto the bed. _

It had been after that night that I started sleeping with multiple pair of jeans on and extra shirts in hopes that would keep him away— that he would get frustrated with all of the clothing and just leave me alone. It never worked though. He always got what he wanted.

"Swan, let's go. Time to hit the showers. If you keep me waiting another second, I'll put you on laundry duty today." Dick guard was at again. This particular guard was always on my case about something.

Shit, I'd been lost inside of my head again and almost had to suffer the consequences of it. Where the hell was Rose? She was supposed to help me out when I got caught up in memories and lost track of time. We did that for each other. I guess I'd really pissed her off this morning waking her from her beauty sleep and all. Maybe she was having a bad night too, though. We had been rehashing things that were better left in the past and away from our cement home.

Fuck laundry duty. That was the worst. I ran out of that cell like a bat out of hell. I was not going to get stuck with laundry duty if I could help it. It was time to face another day in paradise.

**A/N: Thanks again for reading and reviewing. I just want to reiterate that I know this is hard to read, because it's just as hard to write.**

**Since some of you shared you painful stories, I'll share with you. Certain scenes from this chapter were based off of my half sister and my biological father. No, he never did this to me, because for the most part, he was not a part of my life, for which I'm extremely thankful for. My sister is still in contact with him today, which both baffles and pains me. **

**I'm writing this as a way to show what the side effects of an abusive parent, and parent abandonment can do to a person mentally. Bella is going to go through a lot and really needs help, which many don't ever seek. My mother was sexually abused as a child for several years. She kept this a secret until she was 48 years old. My whole life I had watched her suffer from acute anxiety with agoraphobia and severe depression. Once she told her story, the anxiety and depression pretty much went away. **

**I'm telling you this to say that it's poison keeping it in. It can destroy you. A person should never let their abuser win. That's why I'm working on becoming a licensed psychotherapist as we speak, so I can help these children now, before they become shells of themselves as an adult.**

**This fic is extremely important to me and I don't take it lightly. I'm trying to do it justice and I hope you will stick with me as I try to make each chapter just the way I want it.**

**Thanks again for listening to me babble!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer**

**I was in tears after reading all of your reviews and PM's. To know that so many of you in the fandom have been affected by abuse in some way, just hurts my heart. You are all so courageous and I cherish you all deeply. Thank you for trusting me with your life stories.**

**Thank you all so much for the alerts, favorites and reviews. They truly mean so much to me. **

**Thanks to my amazing beta's opheliabreathes and Rose and my pre-reader MrsK81, for fixing my many errors. I'd be lost without them. Thanks to my twitter ladies for the WC's and for keeping me motivated.**

**One more thing, check out the amazing banner for this fic done by the lovely AnlllictWriter. The link is on my profile page.**

**Warning: This fic will contain very dark themes. I will be sure to put up extra warnings for certain chapters.**

**This chapter will contain scenes of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse (attempted rape). If you are sensitive to this, please skip this chapter. I would be happy to give you a synopsis of what happened.**

**You Are the One to Abuse**

**Chapter 3**

This prison and the monotony of the blended days were really starting to get to me. I could only take staring up at the same ceiling that was stained a crusty brown. I had been staring at these same angry women in their same dingy orange jumpsuits for almost five years. We all just needed to get over it, because we sure weren't going anywhere soon. I rolled over on my cot and stared at the black bars that held my imprisonment.

The bars were still the same rusted black with chipped paint that will never get repainted because the state deemed it a waste of funds. I couldn't say that I blamed them. Who would want to spend money on a place where hardened criminals live? Why should we've had any luxuries at all? We committed ghastly crimes and we should be punished by having to live in such atrocious and inhospitable accommodations. I got that. I really did. But it was still a miserable place to live even if I did deserve to be here.

My cell still stank of the crude smell of body odor and mildew. Rose had told me I would get used to it after a while, but I had been here for years and it still gagged me from time to time. We were supposed to shower every single day, but some inmates just ran under the spray and jumped out leaving them smelling like wet dogs.

Some of the ladies were lucky and had family members that brought them luxurious soaps that they purchased from the local bath and body places. Others, like me, had to settle for the odor free soap that the prison issued. It left my skin dry and smelling of anything but Irish Spring or fresh strawberries. What I wouldn't have given for a good bar of Dove.

I was never a froufrou girl, but I did like nice smelling shampoos, conditioners and lotions. I hated having dry, ashy skin that the zero humidity southern winters brought about. That was one of the only splurges I allowed myself from the money that I made from the little odds and ends jobs that I had growing up.

Not having anyone who thought about me, let alone loved me on the outside used to bother me a lot in the beginning, but I got over it. I'm not the lonely person I once was. No therapy taught me that either. I had grown a lot and talking to Rosalie over the years had helped too. I think at some point I just had to come to accept that this was my life and I had to make the best of it.

There were a lot of women there that had yet to reach that conclusion and that's why they lashed out at everyone in anger and desperation of what their lives had become, where they now had to call home and who they now had to call family. I knew that because I was the same angry, bitter person my first few years here. It didn't do any good to be that way either. Just severe punishments from the asshole guards that couldn't give two shits about you and what you did to land in their prison.

The worst was that jackass guard, Newton. He liked to take advantage of the women here. Some were happy to get a release while others he had to force himself upon. Of course he had been discreet about it, but still some of the guards and all of us inmates new of his ghastly ways.

That's why I'd been so thankful for the somewhat southern gentlemen of a guard, Jasper. Always looking out for the girls like Rosalie and I, he tried to cover our block as often as possible in an effort to protect us. Guard Whitlock was probably the kindest man I'd ever met and I was thankful to include him in my extremely small circle of friends.

He knew how vile Newton was and the depraved things that floated through his small mind. He went around bragging about his prison conquests to all of the women in here that he could bring us satisfaction. I shivered just thinking about it; wanted to pull the covers up and bury myself inside for the day. Unfortunately, I had to get up and prepare for another tortuous day.

Crawling out of bed, I grabbed clean clothes and dry lye soap and headed to the black bars, to await the guard.

I was deep in thought of Newton's evil ways as I heard the sound of the clanking metal on metal as the guard used his tiny key to unlock my cell and escort me to the showers.

Once there, I quickly disrobed and jumped under the cool spray of the closest thing to heaven that I was afforded these days. The water pressure was almost nonexistent, but I had a compulsive need to feel clean at all times, which was not an easy task to accomplish here in the grime and grit.

With my hair full of suds and a quick massage to my scalp, it wasn't long, before my thoughts drifted once again to the only true decent guard in this place. He was the one that once shielded me from Newton's vision, while showering on multiple occasions. The man that was the only true protector I had ever known, Jasper Whitlock.

He was rough around the edges and knew how to put the fear of God in everyone with just one intimidating look. Being that he was military trained to protect and serve and to beat ass when he needed to. Everyone in that prison feared him. I didn't though, because even with that crazy hair of his that hung around his face in an array of blondes and gold's, the scars that were his personal tattoos for every battle he'd won and the life he'd saved, showed me that he was a protector and not an enemy. But to others, his physical appearance and closed off body language stressed that he was not one to mess with.

That was only the persona he chose to show everyone at Mountain View Unit Prison for Women in the great state of Texas. He had to had a job to do here in this prison and that was to keep us low-life and murders in line. He didn't put up with a sassy mouth, something that I too had learned the hard way in the beginning. I honestly didn't know what it was that he saw in me, but after the first few times I ran my mouth at him and he put me in my place, we came to some sort of an agreement. He knew what it was like to fight for his life, just as I did, albeit in different circumstances. He'd told me that too, fed up with my mouth and my violence

,after one of my tirades

He used that thick southern twang of his to tell me real fast, that he was in charge and the sooner I realized that, the sooner we would get along and things would run smoothly. But he also revealed to me a piece of his soul that I don't think many got to see.

I don't know why I trusted him. I don't know what it was about this intimidating southern man that had not shown one ounce of hospitality to anyone in this prison, but something in him screamed that he was to be trusted and not feared. I trusted no men. Usually thick southern drawls irritated me, because of my daddy, but coming from Jasper it soothed me, It was even slightly humorous to listen to his country twang. Especially when he shared a piece of his past with me.

"_Listen,Swan, I know you're mad as bronco bull, but you've got to get a hold of that temper of yours. I don't want to see you end up back in that hole darlin'. I can tell you've been hurt and that your heart aches for someone to show you just an ounce of compassion and love. You need a friend, Swan. A true friend, to show you that not all people are bad. I know I'm your guard, here and probably shouldn't be saying these things, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your pain in suffering and its okay to let someone help you from time to time. _

_I had to learn that the hard way in the army and it ended up costing the lives of some of my fellow soldiers. If I'd just let go of that anger I carried around from my past and trusted in my men instead of trying to play the lone hero, well, I can honestly tell you I wouldn't be here right now and those men would still be alive. Don't let this anger eat you alive, because it will"_

The sound of the shower being turned off and the guards yelling at us to get dressed woke me from my daze. Jasper and I never talked about it again, but I had slowly heeded his words and began trusting he and Rose. They were my family now.

I contemplated this further as I begrudgingly made my way to the chow hall, making sure to stay in the straight line of my cell block mates as we went, lest we get punished by the guards.

I thought about what the word family really meant to me and came to the conclusion that regardless what it meant, that's what we were in this place, a family. You had your crazies, your drug addicts, your beautiful snobs and your outcasts. You just learned to accept them and the roles they played here in our prison home. I liked to consider myself an outcast. I deliberately tried not to fit in and kept to myself most days. It had been better that way.

Being lost in my thoughts got me in trouble once more as I slammed into the back of Stanley. I just knew she was going to attack. She was like a cobra waiting for her next victim, waiting for you to slip up, so she could strike.

"What the hell, Swan? I thought they took those braces off of your legs when you were a kid. Guess it didn't fix your little walking problem did it?"

I looked around the room as she said this and see that everyone has stopped what they were doing. They knew what was about to happen. They'd seen her attack before, hell half of them had been her victim. I was about to shock them all though. I refused to cower down to her.

"Oh, yes, you mean the braces that I loaned you when I was through with them along with my _How to be the Dumbest Bitch Alive_ book. Yes, I remember which one's you are talking about. How did they work out for you?" I kept my chocolate eyes directly locked with her pea green ones.

"It looks like they both worked. Your walk is divine, perfectly seductive and slutty like your mama's and I'll be damned if that book didn't work too. You've got the dumb bitch role down to a T girl. Bravo," I said as I began clapping my hands.

I realized we only had moments before the guards broke us up, but since no punches had been thrown yet, they seemed to be enjoying the entertainment we provided.

I was still clapping my hands when I heard the vivid sound of hand on hand starting to my right. I looked over and there was my prison sister. Rose had gotten out of line and walked the few feet over to us and began clapping right alongside of me. I wasn't shocked at all. We were a team, a family and we took care of each other. I was however, shocked when I heard more clapping coming from all directions in the chow hall.

I scanned the crowd and saw that some of the inmates were even standing on the flimsy brown tables clapping for me. I could understand why I guess. It's not every day that someone was brave enough to stand up to that bitch Jessica Stanley.

Yes, any minute now, the guards would intervene, especially now that the other ladies were making such raucous. I glanced over Stanley's shoulder and saw Jasper coming our way. Apparently Newton was slacking on his job or better yet, getting off on our little cat fight.

I looked back at Jessica; she was livid now. Her pea green eyes were now baby shit brown, darkened by her hatred, as she glared right at me once again. She hated being mocked and made to look like a fool. I knew what was coming next and I was ready. Especially since I knew Guard Whitlock was on his way over.

"You dirty cunt!" She screeched as she leapt towards me in an attempt to tackle me to the ground.

The inmates hovered closer as her body made contact with my own. I was prepared, but Stanley wasn't .

I stood stock still, legs firmly locked, and feet glued to the concrete floor as she continued to push me down. I wasn't going anywhere; in fact, I had a few more seconds to taunt her some more.

"That's all you got? I bet little Liz over there could push harder than you." I yawned in feigned boredom. I was just biding my time until Jasper got here which would be in "Five, four, three."

"What the fuck are you counting for Swan? This ain't no math bee. This is an asswho…"

"Alright ladies, break it up. Everyone go back to your tables, before you all go in the hole." Jasper commanded as he pulled Jessica back and away from me for the moment.

"Easy with that mouth Swan. I don't want to have to send you back in the hole again," he whispered close to my ear and gave me a wink as he walked over and grabbed Jessica by the arm. He escorted her away from me and rest of the inmates.

I gave her one last smirk as Jasper hauled her off. Looks like she was the only one going to the hole for now. I knew she'd come after me again for this, but I didn't care. She was a good source of entertainment around here for all of us.

Newton tried to come over and shake me around a little bit as he led me to my table. Guess I pissed him off by messing with his whore. Oops . . . sorry.

I gave him a teasing wave goodbye and a thank you, in a last ditch effort to really get under his skin. He was an ass and I didn't care if I poked fun at the idiot.

He slammed me down in my seat and I landed with a loud "Hmph." I guess he could play at this game too. I had wit on my side though, he just had brute force.

Things began to settle down after that as another guard brought me my food and slid the plastic tray in front of my face. They didn't trust us with metal or even plastic, which would be too convenient for us hostile women.

I didn't care, I'd much rather use my fists if I had too or these lovely black steel toed boots that they'd issued to us, instead of a tray. The boots were hot as hell in the summer though, but they did serve their purpose in a fight.

I picked up my fork and began digging into the mystery shit they were serving tonight. Just as the fork hit my mouth I felt a hard slap to the back of my head.

"The fuck?" I asked turning around to see who had just bitch slapped me.

"Rose, you better watch yourself. I'm still all riled up from Stanley's lame excuse of an attack." She just laughed right back at me, taking her rightful seat beside me on the bench.

"What was all of that about anyway?" She asked as she too began eating our delicious meal of what the prison liked to call, "shit on a shingle." I think it was supposed to be some white gravy and sausage on a piece of bread.

"The things they think are edible around here," I murmured to Rose, who just chuckled in return.

"Hell, I bet the rats wouldn't even eat this shit," she continued as we both shoveled large forkfuls in our mouth.

It might have been far from appetizing, but we knew we had to eat it in order to keep our strength up. That was something Rose taught me in the beginning. She warned that you always needed to eat to be strong and ready to defend yourself at any given moment.

I continued chomping and chewing on the slimy yet slightly rubbery meat thinking about all of the times that I had to be on point and ready to protect myself growing up.

Wasn't that the damn story of my life? I was good at defending myself or even playing dead. I always had to find new innovative ways to protect myself against Daddy. Hiding in the closet and locking my door proved to be failures.

I shook my head trying to clear of those disturbing thoughts. The last thing I needed was another night full of nightmares and monsters.

"You okay, Swan?" Rose asked as she set her fork down and turned to face me.

"Psh . . . yeah, I'm fine just thinking about shit from my past again. Oh, and these kick ass steel toed boots and how I'd like to use them on Stanley's ugly bird face." I tended to use humor to deflect unwanted attention.

I wiped the lone tear from my eye before it could fall any further, hoping it went unnoticed by Rose. The sound of her laughter let the tension slip away and I couldn't help but join her.

"Oh Gah! You're so right, B. She does have a bird face. It looked like she was about to peck you in the face earlier with that big ol' nose of hers."

I guffawed at that comment. I couldn't have described it better myself. I was laughing so hard that I snorted which caused us to laugh even harder. We were so lost in our humorous moment that we didn't realize the attention we were drawing to ourselves.

Our laughter was silenced real quick when we looked over and noticed the sinister look on Guard Newton's face. A chill ran down my spine, even though it was the middle of July and I was dressed in a thick orange jumpsuit and heavy boots.

I nudged Rosalie to be quite; thankfully, she quickly caught my drift and cast a glance in Newton's direction. He was a creep and made no qualms about hiding the fact either. Rose shivered in alarm as she cast her head down and tried to continue eating.

I tried to do the same, but it was futile after the nerves that Newton had stirred inside. Jasper wasn't here to watch out for us, which meant it was up to Guard Newton to escort us back to our cells before our work shifts began.

I knew what happened from time to time when he would lock the female inmates in. He would lock them in alright, right along with himself. He took from the women here, just like my daddy took from me and Rose's uncle Carlisle took from her. Men like that should be behind these bars, should be locked in, but not the way he was locking himself in. He'd never be punished though. No one cared about what happened to us or how we were treated. No one cared if a criminal got raped. They deserved it, right? That's what all of the prison employees thought anyway. We weren't protected in here. They just turned a blind eye to the men like Newton here.

"I know what you're thinking, B, but as long as we stick together, we'll be fine. We won't let him get to us." Rose tried to soothe as she kept her eyes locked on her tray and not on me.

That was how I knew Rose was afraid too and lost to her own demons, which the menacing Newton brought to the forefront. I understood that all too well. I rubbed my hands over my arms in attempt to will away the bumps that had begun to form from thinking about what had happened and what could happen if we weren't careful and overly cautious.

"Always be prepared right? That's what you told me in the beginning."

I turned towards her and forced her to look at me once again. "Hey, that's what we have these shit kickers for, right?" I tapped my scuffed up black leather boots, to prove my point.

I tried in vain to lighten the ominous mood that fell over us. Rose, just nodded her head, but still wouldn't lay her icy blues on my face. She just tapped her fingers against the wooden surface over our table.

"Rose, don't go there. I know that look, hell I own that look and put it on a postage stamp. If we go all zombie like, he'll take like _they_ did. I don't know about you, but I'll be damned if I let that happen to me or you. Now come on and put on your best bitch face and let's go get in line."

My pep talk seemed to work, because she grabbed my hand and stood up to go get in our line formation. Newton walked passed us giving us a cursory glance before he continued up the line. The look left me feeling colder than a witch's tit, but I tried not to let it show.

I kept my eyes down as one by one each inmate was locked back in their cell. My heart was beating like a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode with each lock of a cell. Unfortunately for us, our cell was the last on the block, meaning he wouldn't be able to stop at any of the other inmate's cells in broad daylight. He'd never chance letting that many see his deplorable actions.

As we continued on to our cell, I couldn't figure out which was louder, my hammering heart or the sound of my boots on the cold hard floor. I was afraid that the smell of our fear was looming around us in a thick cloud of foreboding. My face though, stayed in a mask of neutrality. I'd learned how mask my panic a long ass time ago.

I nervously tugged on my hair in an effort to get my emotions in check before he looked my way. I refused to look at Rose, because I knew she would just have her dead eyes on. I'd seen those eyes a time or two while we had been here and I hated them.

The click clack of our shoes and the clink clank of the keys hitting our metal cell bars brought my attention back to the present.

"Alright ladies, I believe you've already caused enough trouble for one day." Newton said as he started to lock us back in, with him standing on our side of the cell.

I felt the nausea creeping in as stalked toward us. His shiny brown shoes made a thunderous noise with each step closer. I lifted my head in defiance and preparation for an attack.

I gave him the hardest stare I could muster taking him in. His whole outward appearance screamed rapist, with his greasy dirty blonde hair and his beard that could only grow in patches. It looked wiry and unkempt, much like the rest of him. He had the bloated beer belly, similar to Daddy's too. That was a dangerous comparison and I had to keep my focus on the present.

He didn't appear to be backing down and Rose was frozen in defeat. Thankfully, he was still coming towards me and I knew I could keep him off me, and Rose for that matter.

"What's a matter, Swan, you scared of the big bad wolf?" Still progressing towards me like a hungry lion ready to attack what he assumed to be an easy prey. He was mistaken though. I wasn't going to let another man ever hurt me that way again.

"Wolf? Don't you mean dog as in one of those little wiener dogs. Yeah, that's about right. You're nothing but a dick." I laughed in his face in defiance.

"Is that so, Swan? Well, if you like dick, I can show you a dick." He started unbuckling his belt, which seemed to knock Rose out of her shock.

"Hey, Dick Guard? Have you ever heard of micro penis? Wait, look who I'm talking to, of course you have." She giggled, which made him snap and take a step towards her.

"Oh you stupid bitch. I'm about to show you just how big my cock is when I shove it in that dirty little mouth of yours."

If Rose was scared, she sure didn't show it. She stood her ground with confidence.

He stopped right in front of her face before continuing. His belt buckle and top button of his uniform pants were undone. "That's right, you filthy whore. I know all about you and your little disorder you were diagnosed with. What was it called? Oh yeah, I think it was slut disorder." He took his grubby hands and roughly rubbed them against her cheek, making her break her cool and collected façade.

"You bastard!" She shouted as she tried to knee him in the groin. He was a step ahead of her though and caught her leg twisting it to and uncomfortable angle before finally placing it around his waist as he pressed against her.

I started glancing around the room for something to use against him. Finding nothing, I wasted no more time and sprung into action attacking him from behind. He grunted and fought me while still clutching Rose close to his body. I wasn't giving up though. I wasn't going to let him do this to me or my friend.

I managed to get in a few good kicks, bites and punches, before he roughly threw me off of him causing me to hit my head against the porcelain toilet as I rolled away from him.

My vision and consciousness were fuzzy, but I tried to stay focused on getting back up and over to Rose. I vaguely heard her whimpering over the pounding in my head.

"No, please don't do this to me. Please!" I heard her beg as I laid there fighting with myself and my body to stop being a baby and get my ass up. I'd had a lot worse than this before. I needed to get up.

Mike's shouts were the final blow for me as I slowly pulled myself up against the lid of commode.

"That whore disorder leaves you unsatisfied does it? Made you look around and explore your sexual options with all those men in your life, huh? I bet Royce King didn't satisfy you. I bet you were slutting around behind his back, just trying to get a release." I stumbled to my feet upon hearing that followed by the sounds of his pants falling to the floor.

I couldn't let this happen to Rose. She was a mess of incoherent sobs and pleads. She'd had enough traumatic times in her life.

I was right behind him now about to attack yet again when an unexpected blow came to my head. I hadn't been paying attention to him, my eyes had solely been focused on Rose and that was my detrimental mistake.

Mike had swung his hand back in order to land a blow to Rose's face, but I was the one that got the backhand. It knocked me to the ground with my head hitting the concrete floor with a loud thud. I was again fighting consciousness, but this time I was losing. I drifted in and out, hearing Rose's screams and Mike's taunts. As my body and mind gave up, I thought I heard the faint sounds of footfalls coming this way and the clanking of keys being prepared to unlock a cell.

**A/N: Thanks for reading. ****I know this is tough to read, but appreciate you so much for **

**doing so. This story has purpose. I'd never write something like this if it didn't.**

**On a lighter note, here are some of my fave fics right now:**

**Differing Shades of Green by opheliabreathes**

**The long Walk Home by lulabelle98**

**Beautiful Sorrow by DreamoftheEndless**

**Ancient History by Shattered Glass Rose**

**Sins of My Mother by yesmrcullen**

**Seeing Daylight by Jessypt**

**You can find all of these under my favorites. There are tons of wonderful fics out there, so look for more rec's as we go along.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer**

**Thank you all so much for the alerts, favorites and reviews. They truly mean so much to me. **

**Thanks to my amazing beta's opheliabreathes and Rose and my pre-reader MrsK81, for fixing my many errors. I'd be lost without them. Thanks to my twitter ladies for the WC's and for keeping me motivated.**

**Special shout out to Shattered Glass Rose for a certain paragraph in this one. To Issy, Lou, D and lynzylee, Fennie, you know you are the ladies that keep me from giving up each day.**

**One more to the amazing twilover76 for recommending this fic in her fantastic story "Choices." That meant so much, thanks bb**

**Don't forget to check out the amazing banner for this fic done by the lovely IllictWriter. The link is on my profile page.**

**Warning: This fic will contain very dark themes. I will be sure to put up extra warnings for certain chapters.**

**This chapter will contain scenes of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse (attempted rape). If you are sensitive to this, please skip this chapter. I would be happy to give you a synopsis of what happened.**

**So do we want to know if someone is going to save Bella and Rose?**

**I Need a Hero**

**Chapter 4**

When I came-to I was disoriented and didn't know how much time had passed or what had happened to land me where I was. Wherever I was, it was too fucking bright. The walls were insane asylum white and the lights felt like they could burn my skin they were so offensive. And the smell — medicinal, vomit and Lysol. Yeah, I'm sure they had good luck trying to sanitize anything in this shithole. Well shit, that could only mean one thing: I was in the prison hospital.

_Why in the hell was I in the prison hospital_? I asked myself while trying to sit up and scan my surroundings to get some sort of clue.

"Fuck!" I winced and lay back down on the waxy, paper-covered bed, clutching onto my head as my brain pounded against my skull like a little bratty kid banging on a door waiting for someone to feed their sugar high on Halloween. _Go away little shits, go away_.

I had to think, but it was so hard with the motherfucking headache. Really, why the hell was someone drilling on my brain? What happened to me? I touched my tender head again and felt the scratchy sensation of gauze wrapped around it. Okay, so I got a head injury somehow. Shit, Rose was gonna freak out when they released me back to our cell. I hadn't had a serious injury in years.

Wait, Rose! Oh shit!The nightmare came flooding back to me now. I had to get out of here. I had to find Rose and make sure she's okay, and then I had to find Newton and cut his dick off with the butter knife I stowed under my cot. Lorena Bobbitt had nothing on my ass. I'd make it slow and painful and grin like the Joker throughout the whole thing.

But first I had to get my ass out of there. I rose up a little slower this time, trying in vain to slow the hammering in my head. There wasn't time to worry about myself or my injuries right now. I had to find Rose.

I placed my feet on the floor and was about to take my first step, when I felt someone's hands on me. I didn't do well when people put their hands on me, especially when I wasn't prepared. I flipped the fuck out.

"Get your fucking hands off me." I swung my arms and tried to turn around to get a few good shots in on my assailant.

I was met with the cold metal of a belt and the stiff fabric of the standard issued guard uniform as it pressed up against my back. I completely lost my shit then, thinking it was Guard Newton. I went Mortal Combat on his ass and kept punching. I was fighting for my life and I'd be damned if I let him win. As far as I knew, he'd already hurt Rose, hell, he could have hurt me too and I was just passed out.

Just that thought alone made me nauseous. Thinking about what he could have done to either or both of us. I remembered how he had her pressed up against him, trying to push his weight on her while pulling down her jumpsuit.

At that thought, I lost it and I vomited all over the guard. I glanced up and got a good look at who it was.

"Jasper," I gasped as I wiped the vomit from the corner of my mouth.

"Easy there, Swan. You're safe now, alright?" He carefully laid me back down on the crinkled material covering the bed and this time I didn't fight him. My head was still hurting like a bitch and I was now completely exhausted from trying to fight off Jasper.

"Rose?" I managed to ask in my sleep-induced haze. I looked up once more into his hazel eyes and felt a calm fall over me. It was almost foreign to me, this calm feeling. It was one I rarely felt and only ever in his or Rose's presence.

He smirked at me while grabbing for the rough brown paper towels from the corner of the counter. He wiped the vomit off of his uniform aggressively before responding.

"She's all right - well she's not all right. She's shaken up, just like you, but he didn't . . . he didn't have time to um . . . do that." He stuttered the last few words, maybe from nerves, but maybe from anger, too.

I looked at him closer, my brain getting foggier and foggier as sleep was about to take over, but I wanted, no _I needed_ to know more about what he saw.

"What happened? I mean, I know what was about to happen, but the last thing I remembered was Newton's pants falling around his ankles and that he had Rose pressed up against him and the wall of our cell. I tried to attack him Jasper. I trie — " I was cut off by a horrendous screeching nose. It sounded like cats mating.

I looked up at Jasper as I felt something wet on my face and that's when I realized that the obnoxious sound was coming from me. What the fuck?

"Shh . . . Swan. It's alright; you're safe, well as safe as you can be in this place. You think I was really gonna let something happen to my girls? Huh?" He didn't wait for an answer, just stared at me for a moment before handing me one of those sandpaper paper towels.

"Wipe away those tears darlin'. Here's what I know." He pulled up the backless rolling stool and scooted it closer to my bed before continuing. I guess this was going to take a little bit to explain everything that had happened while I was passed out on the concrete floor.

"I saw the way he was looking at you ladies before I escorted Stanley to the hole. I knew what his motives were and that's why I hauled ass to get her there and get back to your cell."

He paused for a moment and I could see the concern on his face as he contemplated on how to finish the story. I knew he was going to try to edit for my benefit, but I was having none of that.

"Jasper, just tell me, no bull shit, no filtering. Just tell me what the hell happened. I passed out after the second time he threw me off and I remember thinking I heard footsteps coming before the darkness took me. Now tell me what happened next," I demanded, closing my eyes so I could concentrate on his words and block out the blinding light that was only aiding the ticking time bomb in my head.

"You're tired; maybe we should discuss this another time." The wheels screeched against the tiled floor as he made his way to stand up.

My eyes shot open as fast as a bullet. I couldn't let him escape without knowing just what had happened.

"Quit being a chicken shit, Whitlock, and tell me what the fuck I missed," I said, giving him a one eyed glare.

"Easy there, Swan, I am still your guard and you're still an inmate." I knew he was teasing, but I still flipped him off.

"Alright, well, like I said, I knew what his motives were and I knew I had to hurry and get back to you guys. As soon as I threw Stanley in, I ran back as fast as I could. I had my keys ready to unlock your cell as soon as I got there." He paused, but I just nodded for him to go on. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to hear, but I had to know.

"So, anyway, when I got there I saw you passed out on the floor and was about to help you up when I looked to my left and saw the position Newton had Rose in. I guess he was too caught up in his horny game to realize I was there. It worked to my advantage though as I attacked him from behind, taking his grubby hands and nearly breaking them in two. My effort wasn't in vain because, it got him off inmate Hale."

He stopped again, I guess this was hard for him to recount. At least someone in this place had a heart.

"Go on," I encouraged, clutching the sheet tighter, listening to the crinkling of the paper under my hands. I had to brace myself for this.

"Um . . . after I crushed his hands, I handcuffed him to your bed rail and ran back over to check on Rose. I'm not gonna lie, she was in pretty bad shape. He'd managed to get her jumpsuit down and her underwear was not completely intact."

I swallowed my throat suddenly as dry as a dog biscuit from what he was telling me. I knew she was all right physically, but now I was worried about her mental health even more than before. This would be a major setback for her, well for both of us. Many long nights lay ahead for us.

I nodded for Jasper to continue. He knew this was hard for me to hear and that's why he paused.

"Aside from her clothing being torn, her face was a little bit beat up and the sick bastard must have bit her too. There was a bite mark on her neck that was bleeding. Sh — she was obviously upset and I think she went into shock. When I went to approach her she just started screaming and flailing about. She tried to kick me and I just had to try to find a way to get her to calm down, to trust me, so I could get her here to the medical center to get checked out."

I continued lying there with my eyes closed, sheets twisted between my fingers, as he recounted the scene. It was playing before my eyes like an old black and white horror movie.

"Her screaming must've alerted the other guards, because two more came running in, Chaney and Crowley. They saw Newton was chained to your bed. Crowley uncuffed him and hauled him out of there. I couldn't leave Rose, as I was still trying to get her to calm down, so Chaney went to check on you. It was then that I looked over and noticed you were still unconscious and that there was a small puddle of blood under your head. He wasted no time picking you up and bringing you here."

I squinted up at Jasper through my tired eyes, wondering why his voice was taking on a slightly harsh sound. It wasn't that hard to figure it out. He was just as close to Rose as I was. He looked out for us and I knew he was internally beating himself over the fact that he didn't get there sooner.

"Jasper, you know it wasn't your fault, don't you? I'm honestly surprised he didn't try something like this before now. Really, you can't beat yourself up over this. I'm just," I paused, my voice sounding like a croaking bull frog. I cleared my throat and wiped away the tears that were about to fall from my eyes.

"I'm just glad that you…that you got there when you did. If you hadn't — " I couldn't keep the tears back anymore and just let the years of abuse, loneliness, and exhaustion spill over. I gave out a caterwaul of a cry as they did.

Jasper wasted no time as he climbed onto the hospital bed with me. He pulled me into a tight embrace and my whole body sunk into him. It was rare for me to completely let down my guard around anyone, especially men, but I was so damn tired, too tired to even complain or freak out over the fact that a man was touching me.

I didn't want to think about men like Daddy or Guard Newton right now. I just wanted to let my mind and body rest in the soothing woodsy scent and the calloused, yet gentle hands Jasper provided.

It'd been years since I felt this protected. I hadn't felt this way with another man since . . . well since Jacob. I had fucked that up royally too, just like I did all of the other romantic and platonic relationships I'd ever had. I wasn't given much time to think about him before I felt Jasper pulling away and slowly easing his way off of the bed.

"You all right now, Swan?" He asked, standing up and straightening out his uniform.

"No, of course not, but I'm better than I was five minutes ago." I felt no need to sugarcoat things for him and he knew it would be bullshit if I said otherwise. Was anyone really fine here? Of course they weren't.

I kept my eyes glued to him as I sunk back onto the flattened pillow.

"All right then, well, I guess I need to go check on Rosalie." He started walking backwards to the door, grabbing the handle and giving me one last wink as he stepped away, leaving me to my demons once again. Although, now my mind was on Jacob. I couldn't help thinking about my old friend and what he was up to now.

I bet he married Vanessa. He had ended up dating her after he finally gave up on me, just like the others. At the time I thought he was different. I thought he could save me somehow. It might have been because of all of the nonsensical bullshit he spewed my way.

We'd fuck and when it was over, I'd let him hold me and listen to him whisper his promises of taking me away from Rising Star. I didn't think he knew exactly what happened between Daddy and me, but he saw me broken and crying after we had sex the first few times. He never asked and I never told.

There had been one time when he hinted at something and I tried to distract him.

"_Fuck Bella!" He screamed out his orgasm as we both collapsed back onto his twin mattress. We never fucked at my house. No way in hell. That would cause an instant breakdown, being in the place where Daddy took from me._

"_All right, well I need to head home and get dinner ready before Charlie gets there." I got up and started looking for my clothes, turning my back to Jacob, so as not to see his hurt expression. I knew he wanted to do his usual cuddle after, but I just wasn't in the mood. I had to get home before Charlie. He'd be pissed if dinner wasn't on the table and I'd get a beating for sure._

_In my haste to get dressed I thought about what essentially led me to his bed time and time again. Jacob had wanted to date me for as long as I could remember. All of that teasing and meanness in middle school was just him trying to flirt. I never understood that one._

_He was relentless in junior high, always following me around like a lost puppy until I finally gave in and let him fuck me during our sophomore year. He thought I was his girlfriend, I just thought we were friends with benefits. He took from me my body and I took from him his protection. It was a fair trade in my opinion. _

_I let him call me his girlfriend, because it kept the other jackasses away, like Paul and Embry, but I couldn't bring myself to calling him my boyfriend. I didn't even know what that title entailed and I didn't want anyone to have a complete claim over me._

"_Bella, what's wrong?" I didn't miss the hurt in his voice. I hated that I made him feel this way time and time again. How could I tell him I was broken, though? How could I tell him that my body was all I had to offer? I wanted to feel what love was like, but I didn't think it was possible for me._

"_Nothing, Jake. I just need to get home is all. I've told you before that Daddy likes his meals hot and ready when he gets home from the station. He works hard all day for our community and it's the least I can do for him in return," I said, looking around the messy room for my left shoe. _

_I'd gotten good at lying and covering up for my daddy. To all of those in the community I was the epitome of "daddy's little girl." But as those words left my mouth, they burned like whiskey the whole way down. I just hoped that Jake bought it. _

_I chanced a glance up at him, before looking under his bed for the other shoe. It was a huge mistake and I knew it when my eyes locked with his charcoal black ones. _

_Jacob could read me like an open book most of the time and it seemed this was one of those times. I tried to drop my eyes, but he wasn't having it. He sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed, taking my face into his giant paws. _

"_What aren't you telling me, Bella? I see the sadness behind your eyes. It's been there since we were little kids. You try to mask it, whatever it is, but I see it. I see you, Bella. Maybe everyone else believes the lies and excuses you make about Charlie, but I don't."_

_I tried to turn my face away from him. He was getting close, too close and I had to go into protection mode. I didn't even want to think about what would happen if someone found out about what Daddy did to me. What would they say about me?_

_Daddy told me years ago when he first started that I couldn't tell anybody; that it'd be our little secret. He said that if people knew, they would think I was nothing but a dirty little slut like my mother. At the time I didn't know what that meant, but now, well, I couldn't help but believe him. _

_Plus, I knew that no one would want me or love me if they knew what my daddy did to me. Even though I pushed everyone away, I really just wanted to feel loved. Giving my body to Jacob was the closest I could get to that._

_I didn't want to lose him too by letting him in on my dirty little secret. I just didn't know how to keep him around and keep my facade up at the same time. He was getting close to something and I knew I was going to have to push him away in order to protect myself. I was gonna have to let him go._

_Jacob tried again to lift my face up to his, but I couldn't look at him just yet. I had to get control over my emotions first. I didn't need him seeing me like this. He'd be able to read me like an open book if he saw my eyes. Jacob had obviously been more attentive to me over the years than I gave him credit for, if he could sense with one look that something was wrong._

"_Bella, you don't have to hide from me. I… I love you, B. I just want to protect you, but I can't help but feel like it's something going on at home that's making you so sad. Let me help you. Let's run away together. I know we're only juniors, but I can get a job somewhere."_

_Shit, I couldn't believe he told me he loved me and wanted to run away with me. He'd talked about this before, but I never thought he was being serious. I thought it was just a whimsical dream of his._

_But I never really dreamed he was being serious when he said he wanted us to just pack up and leave this shitty little town and go to the big city like Austin or even down to San Antonio. However, it sounded so beautiful when he would describe our life. I wanted it, but I knew it would never happen. I knew that Daddy would never let me leave him._

_I was nothing but a glorified sex slave and punching bag to him. A way to take out his aggression after she left him and a way to get his rocks off, too._

_I had to think fast and try to distract Jacob from delving any further into my home life. I reached back up, taking his face between my hands and kissing him with everything I had in me. I slowly made my way down his body when we both had to come up for air._

_I couldn't let him speak, or think for that matter. I knew what I had to do, so I sunk my warm wet mouth over him, loving him the only way I knew how. Silencing him from his thoughts until the only words being uttered were his cries of pleasure._

That was the last time I spent with Jacob, giving him my body, taking from him all of the strength and his love that I could, hoping it would last and shield me from the hell Daddy created at home. I pushed him away after that and straight into the arms of Vanessa.

I couldn't be angry or hurt by that. I wanted him to be happy and I knew that he never would be as long as he was with me. I was not capable of love and it just wasn't fair.

The thoughts of my past exhausted me; until I finally shut my eyes trying to let my small glimmers of happiness lull me into a peaceful sleep.

================B===============

They released me back to my cell the next morning after the hospital doctor deemed me perfectly fine. Yeah, except for the mondo headache and the cut on the back of my head. Oh well, it was small in comparison to the emotional trauma that I'm sure Rose was suffering. I really needed to see her with my own eyes to know that she was fine.

Jasper had escorted me back earlier and I lay on my cot waiting on Rose. They had me on light duty today, due to my head injury. I was only going to have to help serve slop tonight and would be able to rest in my cell for remainder of the day.

Whitlock told me that they had suspended Newton for a few weeks until he got his shit together. He promised that we wouldn't be bothered today and we should enjoy this one day of freedom. I scoffed at the idea. Freedom. Hell, I've never been free and I never will.

I was counting the number of times the pounding in my head would strike, when I heard the keys jingling. I sat up immediately, which was a mistake because it made the pounding worse, but I didn't care, because there were my two family members.

I jumped up off the bed and ran and gave Rose a hug that nearly knocked us both down. I don't think I'd ever been so glad to see a person in my life as I was to see Rose at that moment.

I pulled back, grasping her hands in the process of leading her over to our bunks. Never breaking our contact, I scanned her over head to toe taking in any and all injuries I could see on her body. When I got to her face, her eyes welled up with tears and I took my finger and wiped them away.

"Oh hell, Rose. I'm just so glad you're okay."

She sniffled and nodded her head. At that same moment, I heard Jasper locking our cell back up. I didn't hear him walking away to do so, but was thankful he was giving me time with my sister.

I needed her and she needed me. We both assessed the other's injuries and cried for one another over what could have happened and the repercussions of it. We were both so broken and I just wondered if we would ever truly be healed.

**A/N: See, I couldn't let that happen to them again. I promise never to do anything like that in this story unless it has a purpose. Also, I hope you aren't too mad about the Jacob thing. I just wanted to show Bella's attempts at a relationships and how abuse victims feel they are unlovable but still seek it out in some way.**

**Now, onto the Rec's for this week. Here are some more I love.**

**I've been reading a lot of drabbles and here are two by some of my faves:**

**Lulabelle98- A Healing Touch**

**Yesmrcullen- Seven Weeks**

**Another fic I love is, only two chapters in but it's going to be amazing:**

**Laura Hilary- Homeboy**

**I can't forget about my amazing beta, . She just posted her first fic and let me tell you, it's going to be amazing. It's called "The Morphing Games" and if you like Twilight and the Hunger Games, well, you are going to be begging for more with this one.**

**Can't forget about my other beta opheliabreathes. I recommended her fic last week and if you are looking for a sweet Edward and Bella that grows and becomes stronger with every chapter, then you will love this one. Let me tell you, her words are like butter, they will melt you. Check out her fic "Differing Shades of Green." **

**One more to my lovely pre-reader Mrs.K81. She is only nine chapters into her fic "A Night with the Royal Staff." Give it a shot. I know you won't be disappointed.**

**Thanks again so much to all of you precious and amazing readers out there. Your reviews mean the world to me.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer**

**Thank you all so much for the alerts, favorites and reviews. They truly mean so much to me. **

**Thanks to my amazing beta's opheliabreathes and Rose and my pre-reader MrsK81, for fixing my many errors. I'd be lost without them. Thanks to my twitter ladies for the WC's and for keeping me motivated.**

**Don't forget to check out the amazing banner for this fic done by the lovely IllictWriter. The link is on my profile page.**

**Warning: This fic will contain very dark themes. I will be sure to put up extra warnings for certain chapters.**

**You Found Me**

**Chapter 5**

The days following the Newton attack were some of my darkest days and I could tell they were for Rose as well. We had just been released to full work duty again and it was hell. They had assigned me to laundry duty, but thankfully they had sent Rose with me.

We were elbow deep in the faded orange jumpsuits when I heard Rose sob. I dropped my pile of jumpsuits and the dirty, nasty underwear I was holding, and made my way to her.

"Rose, shh… I know. I know this shit sucks. I know. But we gotta be tough. We're tough bitches aren't we? We don't let little pencil dick men get the better of us - we never have in the past anyway."

I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight as I let tears fall on my own jumpsuit, darkening it to a burnt orange.

I knew Rose hated being touched, just like me, but we trusted each other to offer comfort in times like these. Times when our pasts come back to haunt us and wreak havoc on our emotions.

"I'm sorry Swan. I'm so—so sorry." The tears continued to fall down her porcelain face, making her look like a tear-stained china doll.

"Come on Rose, you know you don't have to apologize to me. You know out of everyone in this shit-hole, that I understand what Dick Newton's attack did to you. How it set you back."

I could tell she was starting to calm down a little, so I released my hold on her and pulled her over the counter in the center of the room and hopped up, patting the spot beside me. She wasted no time joining me and we both began swinging our legs, letting the sound of cotton on Formica fill the void that our conversations couldn't.

After a few moments the silence was too loud, and I had to break it. I knew Rose didn't want to talk about it. She hadn't since she'd returned to our cell, but if we didn't want it to eat us alive like a flesh eating bacteria, then we were gonna have to open up to each other.

We sure as hell weren't going to talk to anyone else in here. They tried to get us to talk to a therapist again, but we refused. What could they do anyway? They'd all failed me in the past. I had Rose and she had me, and for now that was enough.

"Rose, we need to talk about this. I've heard you at night, you know? I hear you screaming and begging Newton to get off of you and not to do this to you." I paused letting her process what I said.

She turned to me with a look of determination, and I knew she was going to open up. I knew it was killing her to keep it to herself. It was killing me too. I needed her just as much.

"I just, fuck, Bella. I just hate men. All of them. They all need to have a little hot sauce poured on their dicks, then have them cut off and shoved down their throats."

I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped me. Rose looked at me and gave me her bitch brow before shaking with her own laughter. It felt so damn good to laugh. It was a rarity in this place, but a welcome release of emotions.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh, but, _shit_, that was funny and I agree one hundred percent. You think we can find them all and chop them off one by one? We could have a name like, 'The Weenie Whackers.'"

We continued swinging our legs and laughing through our tears. Just for a moment we were alright, we were like two normal giggling women our age.

"Shit, Swan. That won't work. People would think we were like going around jerking men off in the middle of the night. What about, 'The Cock Cutters?'"

I couldn't control it. I rolled back on the counter, dying of laughter.

"Fucking-A Rose, that's brilliant. I can see it on the news now. 'In other news, the mysterious Cock Cutters strike again, leaving ten more men without penises."

Rose joined me and lay back, jerking from her own laughter too. It was nice and freeing for just a moment. I let myself think we were two twenty-something friends, sitting on the couch chattering away like a bunch of teenage girls. It was nice, but unfortunately short lived.

Some new, douchebag guard with stringy blonde hair that slicked back into a greasy ponytail walked in. He was long and lean, but on his face was a sinister grin. I had a feeling that Newton was going to be a gentleman compared to this asshole.

"Inmates, you're not to here to lie around and giggle like little bitches all day. Get your asses back to work, or you'll be on chow hall cleaning duty tonight, too."

He glared at us one last time before retreating and leaving us in a stunned, pissed off silence. I know Rose was thinking the same thing I was. _We were fucked._

"Where the hell is Whitlock? I thought he was gonna be all-mighty protector over us now. I knew he was too good to be true and was just like the rest of them." Rose scooted up off of the counter and walked back over to finish sorting orange jumpsuits and underwear again.

I know she felt defeated and hurt that Jasper wasn't here to defend us just then, but I knew better. I wasn't giving up on him. He cared for us like a brother and didn't want a repeat of the events from a few days ago.

I wanted to tell her that too, but I knew right now my words of encouragement would just fall on deaf ears. She was in a dark place and wouldn't likely be leaving it anytime soon. Too many emotions had been freed, like sparking embers from a stoked fire. It was building up and there would be a roaring fire before too long.

I would be here though, for the backlash and the tears that would inevitably come. It would be up to me to help her through the many more sleepless nights and the anger. I'd let her use me as her punching bag if she needed it. She was my only true family, and I didn't take her friendship and kindness lightly.

I slid down from the counter as well and went back to sorting my own piles of orange and white cotton. I fucking hated touching the other inmates clothing. It was disgusting. These bitches in here had no reason to care about what they looked and smelled like. Especially what they smelled like, as the putrid smell of body odor and rotten crotch permeated the room, drowning out the aroma of cheap washing powder.

Rose and I got lost in our daily chores for several hours before Jasper came back to escort us to the chow hall for lunch. After touching those crusty underthings, I had no desire to eat the shit they were serving. By the look on Rose's face, she didn't either, but her lack of appetite was for different reasons.

I could tell by the blank expression on her face, the same one she had been wearing for the past few days, that the slop was the last thing she wanted and the chow hall the last place she wanted to be. My heart ached for my friend and the pain she was holding inside.

I wish this poison was as easy to extract from her as it were from a snake. She could rid her body by just sinking her teeth into a rubber-topped jar. If only it were that simple to lose the venom that flowed through our veins. Venom that was left there by the hands of depraved men. Poison, that we could pore into their skin and their bodies, burning their very souls with its potency.

The three of us continued our short walk in a single-file line. The only sounds were the falls of our black boots against the cement floor. It was oddly soothing. In our world it's so loud, with the constant screams and fighting from the fellow inmates, so just even a moment of soft silence was a welcome one.

I was thankful that Stanley was still in the hole and would continue to be for a few more days. I didn't have the energy to deal with that dumb bitch right now. I had to protect my sister. She had protected me many times and carried my burdens when I couldn't. It was a complete give and take relationship with us, and right now it was my turn to give, to hold her hand and pull her through our dark days.

We reached the food line and picked up our trays. I began piling various creams, yellows, and browns of stringy meats and vegetables on both of our trays. Rose was still out of it and probably would be lost in her head for a while. It was now my responsibility to make sure she ate and kept her strength up as she had done for me in the past.

"Come on, Rose, let's go take our seat. Jasper's right over there watching us. He'll protect us. I promise." I was trying to keep my voice as upbeat as possible. I'm sure I was failing miserably.

I guided us over to our favorite scuffed up wooden table and plopped our trays down in front of us.

"Eat," I commanded as I handed her plastic fork.

She took it from me and wordlessly dug into her food, taking the smallest bites possible to appease me. I would let her get away with it for now, but tomorrow would be a different story. I was going to piss her off and get her to talk to me.

We finished eating in comfortable silence and Jasper walked back over and escorted us back to the laundry room. We weren't even halfway done with all of the laundry. Although I despised laundry duty, it was nice to have a mindless job for the day and to be able to just have some more one on one time with Rose. She was in no shape to deal with the shit from the other inmates today and that's why I sensed Jasper had a hand in our work duties.

We wasted no time once we entered the room and started loading and unloading the washers and dryers. The day passed slowly as the conversations lulled after lunch. I was ready for this day to end and ready to sleep a long dreamless sleep.

======B=====

Another work day down in laundry duty hell. We had survived and were finally being escorted back to our cells for the night. I didn't feel like reading or talking, I just wanted to lie down on my dirty little cot and pass out.

I stripped out of my heavy boots and socks and down to my underwear. Modesty had gone out the window a long time ago and since Newton wasn't here, I felt safe enough to sleep in just my underwear.

Rose was still quiet as she followed suit. Moments later we were both tucked under our thin covers and I heard the beginnings of her soft snores. I was so thankful she was tired enough to sleep tonight. I just hoped that she would stay that way.

We awoke to the loud clanking of the dick guards running their batons against the rusted black cell bars. _It's so much better than an alarm clock, much less obnoxious._ I couldn't help my sarcastic thoughts as the loud banging continued and got closer and closer to our cell.

The noise stopped as it reached our cell, the end of the line. I opened my eyes to see the new asshat guard from yesterday. This was not going to help Rose's recovery at all.

_Where the hell was Jasper?_

"It's time to wake up inmates. This isn't a summer vacation and you don't get to lie in bed all day. Get your asses up now." He began opening our cell and made his way inside. I knew this was going to scare the shit out of Rose after what had just happened with Newton. I had to protect her somehow and deflect him from jumping all over her ass.

"Who the hell are you? The new Prison guard Ken Doll? Is that stick of yours a plastic toy as well? I'm sure they don't give little peons like you any real weapons." I was all out taunting him now. If he got mad at me, he wouldn't bother her.

"What was that, inmate Swan? I do believe you are out of line. I'm not afraid to use this little stick as you called it on the back of your legs, making you immobile for a few weeks. We wouldn't want that, would we, Sweetie?" Oh, he was about to get it. No one mocked me, and they sure as hell didn't call me sweetie, like I was some damned, delicate flower.

I made my way toward him, but before I could get to him he walked over grabbed my pillow, threw it on the floor, turned his back to us and pissed all over it. I heard him zip his pants back up and watched his evil smile creep back onto his face.

"Now, what was that, Swan? Will I be having any more trouble out of you today?" He smirked at me with that all-knowing, I've got you right where I want you and you can't do shit about it expression.

I huffed loudly and walked to the other end of the cell and away from him. If I was close to him, I wouldn't be liable for my actions. The motherfucker just pissed on my pillow! One of the only small comforts I was afforded and it was not much of one at that. I wanted to bust out sobbing right there, but I never showed weakness there, never.

I just grinned right back at him, picked it up and threw it into the corner of our cell.

"No, there won't be any more problems, guard." I gave him a saccharin smile to prove my point.

"Good, now get your lazy asses up, ten minutes until shower time." He gave one final glare over his shoulder before walking out our cell and locking us in.

Rose stayed glued to the bed, eyes trained on the bars and the place he just left. This was not going to be a good day for us. She was still in her dead daze phase and wouldn't be willing to leave it today.

Fucking guard setting us back again. It seems to be one thing after another in here. _Hadn't we been through enough shit?_

I walked back over to my bed and plopped down again. My mind was running faster than a damn race horse with thoughts of my troublesome past and the events that led me here. I was beginning to feel completely hopeless. Things seem to just get worse around here, never better, never easier. I tried to hold the tears back. Now was not the time to breakdown. I had to be strong for Rose right now.

_Fuck! How did my life come to this? How did I end up here, between these cement walls and black bars?_ I asked myself as I sat on my lumpy mattress, trying to avoid my pillow.

It was now soiled thanks to the prison guard that just chose to piss all over it. He had to throw his weight and power around somehow. He was proving the point that he was in charge and I better not act out of line. Yeah, he was a real asshole. I guess I sort of deserved it for acting out in defiance.

I hated being here. I shouldn't be here, but I am and I needed to accept that. I needed to get control over my anger and attitude and acknowledge that I have a problem.

_Well, it might be too late for that. I should've determined that a long time ago._

It was my crazy personality that landed me here anyway. No, I wasn't going to allow myself to go down that path. Thinking about why I'm here would just set me off on another wild tangent again. There's no telling what the prison guard would piss on or worse next time.

I sighed and rolled over again, but didn't get a chance to sulk, before the asshat was back.

"Swan, you have a visitor." Dick-guard announced.

_Who on earth would come and visit me?_

I had no siblings and my mother Renee has never really been in my life. If I were to put it nicely she is a bit of a flake. To put it honestly though, she is a bitch whore of a mother that left me when I was a little girl. I want so badly not to blame her, but I can't help but feel like she is the reason I'm here in the first place. She left me with _him_.

If she had been there for me growing up, maybe I wouldn't be here now, sleeping in piss and listening to cat calls and whimpering all night from my fellow inmates. I was determined not to cry while here. I wouldn't give Piss-Guard the satisfaction.

Oh, believe me; I had plenty to cry about. I could fill a river full of tears with the pent up disappointment and sadness I felt inside, but I just couldn't release them. Not here anyway, maybe when I got out of this hell-hole I would. Well, if I ever get out of here. I had only been here for five years, but it felt like fifty. Time moves slowly behind bars.

I reached for my cigs before leaving my cell. I hoped they would let me out for a smoke after this little meeting. I had no clue who would come to see me. I had no one on the outside that loved me. I'd made sure to alienate myself enough throughout the years. I was hated by many thanks to my stellar personality and I liked it that way.

I continued along my path behind the new guard, head down the whole way, hands clasped together in the cold, metal cuffs. It was times like this that the harsh cold reality came back and I truly felt like the criminal I was.

Again, I blame_ her _for this. For landing me here, for leaving me and not loving me enough to save me from my hell. Where was she when I was on trial and being sentenced? Not by my side that's for damn sure. You would think after all of this time, I'd be over it. I wouldn't care that she abandoned me, but I do and I always will.

I walked into the visitation room with my head still down. I didn't want Piss-Guard to see anything in my eyes that might give my true disgust for him away. The guard sat me down roughly in the bright orange chair that matched my jumpsuit, making sure my chains were locked to the table so I couldn't attack anyone. Yes, because I'd been so violent since I had been here. Well, maybe I had just a little, but I'm an angry person, and don't like being told what to do.

Once seated, albeit uncomfortably, I refused to look up to see who my visitor was. I knew it was no one I cared about, because I truly cared for no one aside from Rose and Jasper.

The loud throat clearing eventually made me look up into startling green eyes. They looked as sad and troubled as I'm sure mine did.

"Dammit." I murmured.

"Excuse me? What was that, Ms. Swan?"

"Oh uh…Nothing. Who the hell are you, anyway?" My bitchy façade firmly in place.

He might be a pretty face, but that didn't mean shit to me. I'd seen plenty of pretty men before and they all had one thing in common: they all left me for some reason or another. I'd be damned if I would let that happen again.

"So, you gonna tell me who you are or are you gonna play a game? I like games, Sugar." I couldn't help taunting him a little and mockingly fluttering my eyes at him like a damn butterfly.

"Hmm… Let's see. My new lawyer? I'm right, aren't I? Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner, folks. Well, Sweetie, might as well save your time. I'm in here for life," I told him the truth. I reclined back in my seat; too, as I noticed I had gotten uncomfortably close to his face.

I had been convicted and sent to the Mountain View Unit Prison for Women in the great state of Texas. The place they put the hard criminals. Not those little jails for petty crimes like theft and drugs, no this was the place they put murderers, rapists, hardcore drug dealers or crime lords.

It seemed women often took the fall for their men in those cases, which led them right here to my new humble abode. They convicted me to life, but a chance for parole in twenty years if I could prove I had changed. I would never apologize for the crime I committed. Not even for my freedom.

I came to from my thoughts when I heard that annoying throat clearing sound.

"No, Ms. Swan. I'm Mr. Edward Cullen, your new psychiatrist. I've been reviewing your case and I think we can get you a retrial and change your plea to insanity. You got to admit that living in a psychiatric ward would be better than being locked up behind bars."

This guy was pissing me off quickly and I wanted to rage and throw chairs, but I took a deep breath before responding.

"Listen, dip-shit… I don't need any favors from anyone. I know what I did and I know why I'm here. There isn't anything you or anyone else can do about it. Don't think you're the first quack to walk in here and act like my savior." I paused for a moment taking another deep breath to calm myself before the guard came over here and punished me for my aggressive behavior.

"Look, I've come to terms with my punishment and am trying to make amends for my sins. This is what I get and though I don't feel like I deserve to be here for what I did, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I'm here and it's final. Now, if you don't mind why don't you take your shiny shoes and your perfectly sculpted hair and get out of here. I need a smoke."

I snapped my fingers to get the guards attention to let him know I was ready to go back to my cell. I was done here.

I didn't know who this guy was coming in here and making promises that he would never be able to keep, but I don't need any handouts from anyone. I never have and I never will. I'd managed to do all right now for twenty-three years.

Mr. Shiny Shoes held up his hand to stop the guard from coming over.

"Ms. Swan, I'd really appreciate it if you'd listen to me for a minute. I really think I could help you." He leaned forward, looking into my eyes and trying to force me to believe him.

"They were wrong. There were errors all over that trial. I've read the manuscripts and the court-ordered therapist's notes; you shouldn't be here, Ms. Swan. Now, I can't do this on my own. I can't go in there and demand a retrial without your approval. Don't you want to know what's really wrong with you?

He stared straight into my eyes as if he could see the years of abuse plain as day, as if he knew what I did and how I ended up here. He was trying too hard to convince me that he could really help me.

"I know what _he _did to you and that your life hasn't been easy. I know that you've had to go through this on your own, but dammit, Ms. Swan, for once in your life don't push someone away that truly wants to help you."

He pushed back in his chair and blew out a frustrated breath. I just glared at him. He'd pissed me the fuck off and I was ready to blow a gasket.

I leaned across the table making sure he heard my words, making sure he knew what his words of hope and encouragement meant to me.

"Why do you care so much anyway, Mr. Shiny Shoes? What does it matter to you if I waste away here in this prison? Huh?"

I didn't wait for his answer just kept right on yelling in his face.

"If you can answer that, then maybe I'll talk to you." I was getting defensive, which was my usual tactic for evading situations and getting too close to people.

I don't trust anyone _ever_, save Rose and Jasper. I don't know why he thought he would be any different. Everyone was the same. They suck you in and bleed you dry one way or another.

"Because…" He paused and I looked up to see his eyes shining with unshed tears. "Because someone I knew wasn't as lucky as you. They didn't stand up for themselves the way that you did. I couldn't protect them or help them and they chose the easy way out."

Oh, hell no, I wasn't letting him off this easy. He was going to tell me who he thought this chicken shit was. This person that took the easy way out.

He knew nothing about me and he was acting like he could save me, save the world even. What? Because someone he knew had something bad happen to them? I didn't give a shit, it didn't affect me.

"Who? Who, Mr. Cullen? Who was this alleged coward as you seem to think them?" I was right in his face now, heart beating wildly.

I didn't care about his sob story. I knew what he was trying to do. He probably didn't know anyone. Probably was just trying to use a made up story to get me to cave. Well I wasn't buying his fake tears. I'm a lot of things, but naïve isn't one of them.

He was matching me tit for tat now and got right back up into my face. I'm surprised the guards weren't intervening, but they were probably enjoying this too much.

"You want to know who the coward was, Ms. Swan? The person that I ignored for years when she cried out for help, but I was too selfish and preoccupied to worry over her? I'll tell you: it was my sister!"

His face was beet red as he growled those words at me. I just sat in stunned silence, a first for me.

_Fuck, me!_ Maybe he did understand just a fraction of what I lived with day in and day out. Maybe he _could_ help me, but I was so damn afraid to hope. Hope has always failed me before, it's such a tangible thing, it has been right there as I clutched it so tightly like a childhood blanket, only to have it ripped from my hands and trampled on.

Could I do this? Could I let someone else into my life and into my burdens and sins I carry?

I didn't speak, but looked directly into those sorrow-filled eyes of his and nodded my head. One simple movement that could mean freedom or more heartbreak.

I just prayed this wouldn't be another mistake on my already long list of mistrusts.

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading. We'll now begin the long healing process. Do you think Edward will be able to help her?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer**

**Thank you all so much for the alerts, favorites and reviews. They truly mean so much to me. **

**Thanks to my amazing beta's and Rose and my pre-reader MrsK81, for fixing my many errors. I'd be lost without them and I worked them super hard on this, as I'm a little rusty. Any mistakes you see are mine. :) **

**Warning: This fic will contain very dark themes. I will be sure to put up extra warnings for certain chapters.**

**I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. I never intended for it to take this long. **

**New Discoveries**

**Chapter 6**

I sat back in my orange plastic chair, feeling more comfortable than I should have. I had just decided to instill my trust in someone, and a man at that. It would be easy to assume that it was because of his good looks, as he was an extremely attractive man, but a pretty face would never sway me and definitely wouldn't make me more trusting of him.

Good looks aside, it was more along the lines of the sad saggy green eyes that had seen more sorrow in his young life then one should have. The slight wrinkles around them also proved that the last few years obviously hadn't been kind. I know, because I had the same lines around mine.

I continued to examine his face as he just waited in silence; possibly doing the same to me .I really didn't give a fuck if he was. After all, we were apparently going to be spending more time together and I was possibly going to be baring my soul to him. I shivered slightly at the thought, both out of fear and also an element of finality; maybe it was finally time to get it out and I might've finally found the right person to truly open up to. However, the verdict, as they say, was still out on that one. Only time would tell if I would truly be able to open up to this man.

I continued my perusal of his disgustingly beautiful face—disgusting because no one should be that attractive. It was something I worried he would use to his advantage in getting information out of me. I also noticed that we shared the same grim look on our faces and the same tension around our mouths where laugh lines should be beginning to form. Instead it was as if we were both stuck in that perpetual state of infinite sadness and the possibility of having laugh lines seemed ironically laughable.

There was no laughter in my life though, well very little at least and if it weren't for the occasional wise cracks from Rose, there would be none at all. I was okay with that though. Who needed laughter really?

Neither of us said anything after I agreed to let him try to help me, to try to heal me and make me into a whole person that I'd never been. I didn't think I'd ever be at this point. I didn't know what he had planned or what he thought was wrong with me, but I was terrified to find out. Finding out might lead to hope, which I had given up on a long ass time ago.

He leaned forward in his seat, but I continued to recline back in mine, trying to feign a calm exterior. I'd learned long ago, to never let anyone see me sweat, especially none of the chumps in the prison system. They preyed on the weak, and I was anything but.

I guess my silence was deafening as he felt the need to break it. He opened his mouth to speak, and I diverted my eyes to the dusty old clock hanging on the wall behind his head.

"So, here's the deal, we'll start this Friday and have three sessions a week."

I guffawed, pissed off that I would have to see his pretty face three times a week and talk about my poor delicate little feelings. I wasn't a delicate little flower, but I had a feeling he was going to try to treat me like one. That was alright though because he was gonna learn really quickly that if he tried to coddle me, I would hand him his ass on a silver platter.

"Listen, Ms. Swan. I can tell that you are apprehensive about this, and believe me, I understand why."

I wanted to lean forward and punch his fucking lights out. He couldn't possibly understand a damn thing. His sister, now, she would've been able to understand my apprehension, but her chicken shit brother had no idea why just being in the same closed up small ass room with him made my skin crawl.

It felt like ants were marching all over me and I desperately wanted to claw them off until my skin bled and drained the infected blood of years of abuse from my skin. I wanted to drain my life and restore it with something new and vibrant, a fresh red blood, not a dirty stained brown that I felt pumping through my veins.

I took in a much needed deep breath to cool my anger and overheated skin. I needed to relax. I had agreed to let him help me, and I needed to at least make it through this first meeting. Besides, I had fucking questions of my own.

"Look, I've let you ask enough questions for now and I need some damn answers, Mr. Shiny Shoes or Dr. Cullen or whatever the fuck you expect me to call you."

He gave me a smirk, and I rolled my eyes at him like a defiant teenager.

"I've told you, please call me Edward. Mr. Shiny Shoes makes me sound too metro and Dr. Cullen sounds so formal considering the things we're going to be discussing, don't you think?"

_Oh so he has jokes?_ Well, I wasn't laughing at his lame attempts to get a smile out of me. It took Rosie nearly a year to get even a smidgen of a smile to grace my hardened face.

He let out an exasperated sigh and tugged on those wild locks of his. If he was getting frustrated with me already, then he needed to walk out those prison doors and never come back.

"Listen, Ed-ward." I made sure to draw out his name to show him that two could play the sarcastic ass game. "First things first, before I answer any more questions for you, I need to know how you found me? How did you hear about poor little Bella Swan?"

I waited with baited breath for his answer. How he answered this question would determine so many things and would let me know if I could truly trust him. I wasn't kidding when I said there had been many therapists in the past six years who spewed false promises of being able to help me get out of there. They all wanted to be glorified saviors. I'm still not sure that Edward's not any different. The fact that he had a sob story didn't really mean shit in the grand scheme of things. That's why I needed to know how he knew about me and my past.

He looked slightly nervous and pained as he answered me. "Well, it isn't every day that there is a murder in a small Texas town. Even rarer that it's a beloved Chief of Police and more so that it was his daughter that pulled the trigger on his police issued gun. I heard about it then, and after Ka—after my sister died, well I knew that I had to use my chosen profession to save someone from making the same mistake she did."

Well that got my damn attention. I certainly wasn't expecting him to know that much. I didn't realize people were still talking about the case six years later. Looks like I was truly the star of Rising Star, Texas. I shook my head in frustration, as I didn't really want to think about the people from that Podunk town right now. Some of them hurt me almost as badly as my daddy.

No matter how long Edward knew about what I did to _my daddy _or why he waited until now to talk to me, I was still leery of him. I guess it didn't really matter though, because I'd already told him I would work with him.

I twisted nervously in my hard plastic seat, trying to gather my thoughts on all of this. Even though I didn't want to, I knew that I needed to trust him. I also wanted to know what he thought those errors were and what it was exactly that could get me out of here and into a psych home until I got my shit together completely. It was all or nothing and I was now in, maybe not one hundred percent yet, but I'd get there, hopefully.

"Em-Okay, three days a week, but just so you know, you'll be answering questions of mine, too. If I'm going to be doing this therapy shit, then you need to be talking to someone too. It seems I'm not the only one fucked up around here."

He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing as he did, drawing my attention to the slight stubble on his throat and chin.

"Deal. Now, I'm sure you're wondering what I found in the pages and pages of court notes?"

It was my turn to give a nervous nod. I did and didn't want to know. Knowing meant there could be something wrong with me, something terribly wrong, that caused me to finally snap and kill my father. Sure he had had it coming and I was only defending myself. Though no one believed me or wanted to believe that their precious Chief would ever do something so horrific. All of these hurtful feelings towards my traitorous neighbors could be hashed out later in our "meetings." Right now, I just wanted to know what he knew.

"Ms. Swan, now I still need to talk to you more and gather some more information." He was rambling, but I was having none of it. I needed him to tell me now, damn it.

"Spit it out, Edward!"

He looked up at me with wide surprised eyes at my outburst. That was something he would learn about me. I wasn't a patient person and I got loud and full of rage from time to time. I couldn't control it; it was just always like that.

He nodded as if excited by my outburst. "That right there, sort of aids in my possible diagnoses for you."

Well that fucking pissed me off, so I channeled my inner Rose and gave him my best bitch face.

He chuckled lightly, before continuing, "No, I'm serious. Do you often have angry outbursts like that or have intense anger that you can't control?"

I couldn't even look him in the eye, just glanced down at my faded orange jumpsuit and swallowed thickly, trying not to let the tears out. I didn't fucking cry anymore over that shit, but, he was hitting too close to home.

"I'm taking your silence and your inability to make eye contact as a yes. Listen, Ms. Swan, it's okay. I'm here to help you, remember?"

I did remember, but it still wasn't making his assumptions and spot on accusations any easier to hear.

"I think what you have is something called Borderline Personality Disorder. I also think your father might've had it too, although he might have had a few other things wrong with him."

It sounded as if he actually growled out those last words. I wasn't sure why he was angry at my daddy, it wasn't as if he knew him or me for that matter, enough to form any sort of opinion about either of us. I wanted to be pissed at him for labeling me with a mental health disorder, but I couldn't. For some damn reason, I couldn't be mad about what he said. Instead I was half relieved and have terrified that he was right.

Did I have some sort of personality disorder? I suddenly wished I had access to the internet and fucking Google, so I could learn more about this Borderline shit he was talking about. If I had it, I wanted to be educated on it. I suddenly had a million and two questions for this guy, and I knew we probably only had a few minutes before the guards escorted me to breakfast.

I hadn't realized I was having trouble breathing until I felt a pair of hands on me. Not just any hands, but a man's hands and I started freaking the fuck out again. I've gotten used to the men in the prison roughly grabbing me over the years, but this touch was different, softer even, and it scared the shit out of me.

"Get your fucking hands off of me now, before I break them off."

Yes, it was harsh, but men weren't allowed to touch me any longer. It just made me think of Daddy and I started to break down. I was now having a full blown panic attack and Edward was still trying to get me to calm down, though he respected my threats and was no longer touching me.

"Ms. Swan, it's alright. I'm sorry for touching you; believe me, I know better than to do that to a client that has suffered from abuse. It's just in my nature to want to comfort someone so clearly upset. Please forgive me."

I continued to take deep breathes in and out as my surroundings grew fuzzy. I tasted the familiar rusty iron in my mouth. Fucking hell! I had bit my lip in my freak out. This was all too much to take in for one day and I was done. My questions would have to wait.

He was now out of his seat and crouched down in front of me, still not touching, but trying to convince me to look him in the eye. I was nothing if not stubborn though and refused to make eye contact; I just kept on trying to breathe and calm the fuck down. This had happened to me several times over the years and I was an old pro at kicking anxiety's ass.

"Would you please look at me? I'm not going to touch you, but I need you to look me in the eyes alright?"

No, it was not fucking alright. I wanted out of here and away from his sympathetic stare. I didn't need anyone's pity, especially not his.

"Listen Edward." He's name fell like a curse word out of my mouth. "I'm fine, see." As if to show him, I looked him dead in the eyes, my breathing controlled for the moment, and gave him a smile that I knew, didn't reach my eyes. Did they ever those days?

None of that really mattered. All that mattered was that he believed I'm fine and go on his merry little way until our fateful meeting Friday. I really needed time to process all of this and see if there were any mental health journals in our shitty little library.

I sat upright in my seat once again, to further prove that I was as fine as I could be and he bought it. He sat back down in his and it pissed me off, because I just wanted him to walk his shiny ass shoes and his depressed looking eyes right out of here, but apparently he had more to say.

"Do you have any questions for me, Ms. Swan? I know I gave you some serious things to think over before our next meeting, but I would be happy to answer any other questions you have before I leave today."

I shook my head no, telling him I had no further questions. I'm pretty sure it pissed him off too, as he let out another large sigh. If he kept up with the loud breathy sighs, I was going to kick in his fucking front teeth. It was so damn annoying.

"Enough with the damn sighs, okay. I told you I had nothing else to say, so why don't you just walk your happy ass out of here."

I know I was being harsh, but I didn't really give two shits. I was confused, hungry, and pissed off at the world right now and he was only making it worse.

He let out one last sigh of defeat and I was mentally fist pumping that I finally got to him. I was an expert at pushing people's buttons so hard that they finally leave. I'd pushed every one out of my life, with the exception of two, and he'd be no different.

"Alright then, Ms. Swan, I guess I'll see you Friday." He stood from his chair and politely pushed it in, making his way to the door.

I was just about to let out my own sigh of relief when he stopped and turned around.

"Just so you know, Ms. Swan, I'm not running and I won't be giving up on you. I know your game and I know it all too well. You can push and push and push, but this guy right here," he pointed to himself "isn't going anywhere until I get you well and out of this place."

With that he turned back around and out of the door.

Well I'd be damned; maybe I'd met my match after all. The guards gathered me up and escorted me out of the visitor's room and straight to the chow hall. My chains rattled with each step, seeming to be in rhythm with my now rapid heartbeat.

I was still sort of spacey and feeling on the verge of a heart attack after that mini panic attack. I hated those damn things, but I wasn't surprised that I just had one.

I did know that if I didn't get my shit together and my breathing completely evened out then Rose would be all over my shit. Who was I kidding? She was still going to be badgering me about where I'd been and who was here to see me.

I noticed that slight gleam of hope in her eyes when I left. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a slight flutter of hope too. Hope that maybe after all of this time that my Mama Angel had come back for me. It was a silly childlike fantasy, but perhaps just part of me was still living in my Peter Pan fantasy where I'd never grow up and everything would always be dreamlike and perfect.

I should've known better. Having even an ounce of hope, was only setting myself up for a letdown so big, it was like I'm in a constant fall from a rollercoaster. I'd never go up; I'd only fall, harder and faster each time, leaving me in the breathless state I was currently in. Yeah, hope was a bitch.

My boots continued their crunching sound on the dirty tile floor, bringing me one step closer to Rose and her firing squad of questions. It shouldn't make me nervous, but it did. I trusted Rose, by now we had no secrets, but could I really tell her what I just learned?_ Could I really tell her that no, it wasn't my bitch of a mother, but yet another therapist with more promises? And could I really tell her that this time I trusted someone and have an ounce of hope? _I wasn't sure.

Above all of that, I was most afraid to tell her that there was something wrong with me. Well, it wasn't like she didn't know that before, but this was different, it was serious and it was actually earth shattering to me. It could have had the potential to destroy me completely, and it seemed that I had my sweet Daddy to thank for just one more fucked up piece of me.

He wrecked my body and now he had wrecked my mind too. If the fucker wasn't already dead and I wasn't locked away for his death, I would have gone out and dug him up and killed him again for this shit. He had ruined me and made me too old for my young twenty something self.

I should've been out dating, working in my first job out of college, but instead I was chained by my wrist and feet and wearing an ill-fitting orange jumpsuit every day. I had never been into trendy things, but maybe I would be when I got out. Maybe I would shop at the cutest boutiques with designer boots and heels, instead of unattractive heavy black steel toed boots.

I realized that we'd made it the chow hall and I heard Rose's loud voice ringing out in greeting towards me.

"Hey bitch! Where in the hell have you been? And who in the hell was here to see you?"

Yes, she was charming that one.

I made my way to our table and saw that she'd somehow been able to make me a plate of food. I was sure Jasper had a hand in that one, but I was thankful none the less. My impromptu meeting left me weak and famished.

I picked up my plastic spoon and started to chow down on the milky looking oatmeal they were serving today. I saw Rose out of my peripheral and she was looking pissed off at me, waiting for a response to her questions. The thing with Rose was she doesn't like being ignored, ever.

I swallowed my bite and washed it down with a sip of water before I answered Princess Rosalie.

"It was a new therapist that thinks he can help me and possibly get me out of this place." I didn't make eye contact with her, because I knew her eyes would be judgy and speculative. The last thing I wanted to do right now was answer her questions, but I'd have to give her a little bit to appease her.

I took another bite and waited for her to respond.

"Okay, so you told him to fuck off and get lost, right?" This was the exact response I expected from her, but it still ticked me off for some reason. Maybe it was because I was already fired up today and on extra emotional bitch alert.

I slammed my spoon down and glared at her before speaking. "Actually, Rose, I agreed to let him help, and I honestly don't want to hear any shit from you right now about, alright?"

The words came out angry and harsh and left my skin flushed and splotchy. My heart was still trying to beat out of my damn chest and my breathing was picking up again. If I wasn't careful the spots would return in my vision and I'd be passed out on the damn floor. The last thing I needed right now was to make a spectacle of myself.

I wasn't looking her in the eyes, just stared at my tray and tried to calm myself down again.

I felt her lean closer to me and speak lowly in my ear. "Okay, B, I don't know what the hell happened in there, but for now, I'll let it go. Just know that you'll have to tell me at some point. We don't keep secrets from each other, remember?"

Of course I fucking remembered. The damn tears welled up in my eyes again, because she was right and I don't want to fight with her, but I was raw and overwhelmed by everything right then.

I took another drink of my room temperature water and tried not to let the smell coming from the mush in front of me make me lose the two bites of it that I'd already eaten. I just wished I could escape, but in prison, there was no escape, even when you weren't behind the bars, you were still chained and bound to the prison system and all that it entailed.

Rose was quiet for the rest of the meal and we headed our separate ways for our daily chores.

My head was swimming with possibilities as I now had hope. While it was scary, I still wanted to hold onto it like a little girl grasping tightly to her pink balloon. It was my pink balloon, and I'd be damned if I let it go this time. Daddy was dead, I wasn't and maybe it was time that I started trying to fight for my own life. This prison, this hell, didn't have to always be. I could get out, but doing so would bring so much hurt and open so many wounds and I just didn't know that I was strong enough to survive it all the second time around.

**A/N: So, most of you probably already assumed it, but now we know what really happened to Charlie. Can't say I blame her. Can you?**

**Thanks as always for reading guys! **

**Fic Rec's:**

**If you want some humor after reading this gloomy story, check out my fabulous pre-reader's, MrsK81'sfic. "A Night with the Royal Staff. It is so freaking funny. I swear she writes the best comedy. **

**If you want some more angst, then check out the amazing imagery and words of my extremely talented beta, , and her fic, "Blessed are the Forgetful.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer**

**Thank you all so much for the alerts, favorites and reviews. They truly mean so much to me. **

**This has not been beta'd yet, so any errors you see will be corrected once my amazing beta, , has worked her magic. Bless her heart. I'm in awe of her and all that she gets accomplished both fandom related and real life. So, you shoulld all run over and read one of her stories after this. I prefer the dark, "The Morphing Games." It's amazing guys!**

**This has been looked over by the fabulous pre-reader that is MrsK81. I've rec'd her before as well, but seriously. I just finished her hilarious, "A Night with the Royal Staff,"and started on the sequel "A Life with the Royal Staff." Give them a shot and you will be laughing out loud at the hilarity of them. She's a comedic genius guys. **

**Anyway, you've been warned.**

**Warning: This fic will contain very dark themes. I will be sure to put up extra warnings for certain chapters.**

**Research**

**Chapter 7**

I was pacing back and forth, a mess of confusion and new possibilities, when Rose entered our cell. I knew she was going to be hounding me for answers as soon as she walked in, answers I didn't have and wasn't really sure I was ready to share regardless. Although, Rose might be able to help me make sense of some things and maybe know where I could get my hands on some research material.

I heard the familiar clanking of keys and the old rusty metal doors being opened. I was out of time and I knew it. I took a deep breath, but kept up my pacing and ignoring her.

"So, you just gonna keep walking around in the same little circle over and over until you wear a whole deep enough for us to escape out of this joint, or are you gonna turn around and tell me what in the hell is going on?" She just stood there tapping her steel toed boot, waiting for me to respond. The sad thing was, I didn't know how to respond, didn't know what to tell her or how to begin.

I took a deep sigh, preparing myself to just let it out in the open and admit for the first time out loud that I had a problem. "Um- well, I just found out what's wrong with me." I take a peek over my shoulder, to gage her expression before continuing with my pacing.

Rose just looked at me like I'd grown two fucking heads or something. Maybe I had though. I mean hell; I did have a personality disorder, maybe not one with spilt personalities, but shit, still bad enough.

She glared at me, waiting for me to continue, but not before she could get her two damn cents in. "Yeah, well, I could tell you a lot of damn things wrong with you, so what did this chump tell you that was any different than the other wacko's?" Her tone was sharp, bitter even and I didn't really understand why. Could she be as afraid as I was that something was really wrong with me, something irreparable?

I finally stopped my worry walking, turned around and faced her, before I continued telling her about my alleged diagnosis. "I don't know what's different about this one Rose, he just was." I could tell that, that wasn't going to be enough information for her to go on, for her to believe that this guy might actually know what he's talking about and be able to help me.

So, I caved, I told her about the whole conversation, how I was a reluctant bitch to him and how it didn't matter, that he saw through the act and called me on my shit. I told her about his sister and how she went through what Rose and I have been through, fucking hell.

I could tell that was enough for Rose, that she didn't want nor need to hear anymore. Once I went into detail about his sister and how she took the coward's way out, a way Rose and I have both admittedly contemplated before, she just got it.

Somehow, in the midst of our discussion we had ended up on my bed, both sitting criss cross applesauce, lost in the tragedy of our conversation. I grabbed her hands then, needing her comfort as I confessed my new dark secret. "Rose, he told me that he thinks I have something called, Borderline Personality Disorder."

She just gasped, I guess shocked that her fucking cellmate hada personality disorder. I hoped it wasn't a gasp of fear, as I'd never hurt her and I didn't think that this disorder would make someone a psychotic killer. Well actually I guess it did, but only because my asshole father deserved it. That sick son of a bitch. I calmed down before my anger went from zero to sixty and I start destroying our fucking cell again.

I clutched tighter to Rose's hand and wait for her response. Her eyes are shiny like crystals, waiting to fall, though I know they won't. She takes a deep breath, "Okay, so what does this mean? What do you know about it?"

She fired off questions left and right and I could tell she was about to ask four more, but I stopped her first, placing my finger on her lip. If it was anyone else touching her like that, she would have flipped them over and started choking them, but she let it slide with me. "Pump your damn brakes for a minute, so I can answer some of these questions."

She swatted my hand away and lets me continue. "So, I don't know what this means or anything about this disorder at all. I was hoping you knew something." She looked offended by that comment.

"Why in the fuck would I know anything about a personality disorder? What in the hell was that supposed to mean? Do you think I'm crazy or something? I'm not the crazy one, you are bitch." I could feel my anger bubbling with each of her words, granted, I probably should've phrased my question better, but I didn't think she'd blow up at me like this and then call me a crazy bitch.

I lean back, removing myself from her cold and angry stare. "Shit Ro, calm the hell down, I didn't mean it like that. I was just asking if you had heard of it or if you knew where I could find some reading material on it. But, thanks for calling me crazy." I tried to joke, to lighten our newly tense situation, but damn, when we both get pissed, we are hard to talk down from our anger.

I noticed that she's leaned back too and seemed to be trying to get as far from me as she could get. Shit! This isn't going to be an easy fix, but damnit, she called me crazy and a bitch. I just asked a simple question.

She was taking deep breaths in an effort to calm down and I was fucking thankful. I really didn't mean to upset her and I really did need to know how to get my hands on some research material before I met with Edward again. I don't like to be made to look like an uneducated idiot and that's sort of how I felt around him today.

I leaned forward again, hoping to salvage not only this conversation, but also our friendship. "Listen Rose, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You're my sister remember? And I really need my sister to help me through this right now. I'm kinda freaking out over here." She leaned forward as well and the loud groan of the springs made us laugh and broke the tension. Thank fucking goodness.

She met me in the middle and gave me a halfhearted hug. That's more than I expected from her, so I fucking took it. "I'm sorry B, but that shit is nothing to joke about and the way you said it, pissed me off. I know you didn't mean it, but still, it's just gut instinct to react that way, all defensive and shit."

If anyone understood that, it's me. I get it all too well. We live in a world, where our walls are always up and you'd need a fucking bull dozer to knock them down. "I get it I do, sorry about that. Do you think you can help me though?" I sounded fucking pathetic and desperate to my own ears, but it didn't matter, not in front of her anyway.

Rose lifted my hands again, giving them a good squeeze. "No, but I think I know just who can help us, Jasper." Fucking Jasper, why didn't I think of that? Rose and I don't really have anyone on the outside that can smuggle us shit in or bring us comforts of home, but we sure as shit have someone on the inside and that's even better.

I get all giddy and even giggled like a fucking little bratty girl. There are so few things to bring us joy in here and sadly knowing someone that can bring me books on a personality disorder, made me insanely happy.

"Rose, you are a fucking genius, you know that?" I didn't give a shit if she was a hugger or not, I'm not either, but this moment called for a damn hug. I held her tight to me and might've even let a few tears fall.

She patted me on the back a few times, before letting me go. "Okay bitch, enough sappy, I'm going to bed and first thing tomorrow, we'll corner Whitlock and ask him for the goods." It sounded so devious when she said it like that, like we were actually the conniving sinful convicts that we're supposed to be and all over some damn books. It was ridiculous really, but kind of fun too, like we had a secret covert mission. It didn't take much to entertain us in here.

After Rose climbed back onto her bunk, I got comfortable or as comfortable as possible in mine, pulling up the thin blanket to provide some semblance of comfort before drifting off into a deep dreamless sleep. This new hope and excitement was a powerful and obviously comforting thing.

We woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed the next morning, ready to find Jasper and ask for his help. We were thankful when he was the one that came clicking and clacking toward our cell door. He unlocked us and started to usher us out, but we basically attacked him and pulled him in for a minute. If it would've been any other inmates, he would've gone into attack mode, but he knew we were up to something, so he came willingly.

"Girls, girls, what's going on?" He made sure to whisper, as he knew better than to draw any more attention to us.

Once he was safely in our cell and away from prying eyes and ears, we filled him in on our plan. We stood their staring at him with eyes wide and shining with hope that only he could grant us. "So, let me get this straight, you think you have some sorta disorder and you need me to find some kinda book on it, so you can be sure?" We just nodded at him, mouths in a wide smile, thinking he was about to cave and grant us our wish.

He sighed and that sigh scared me and started to crush this little balloon of hope that I was holding. I guess he could see the sudden disappointment register on my face. "Now wait a minute darlin', I didn't say no, I just have a few questions first." I wanted to hug him in that moment, but thought better of it. He was going to help, even though it meant he would be putting his career in danger, smuggling stuff into us, even if it was just a little damn book, he could still get in a shit load of trouble over this.

"Anything you want, just ask away." I was all too happy to oblige since he was putting his neck on the line.

"Okay, so what makes you think this guy knows what he's talking about? Did he show you any credentials? And furthermore, if you do have something wrong, I don't want you getting your hopes all up thinking this is gonna get you outta here." I knew he was trying to help, but it felt as if he had just sucked all of the air out of my hope filled balloon.

I didn't make eye contact, just nodded, trying to swallow down the giant ball of disappointment. "Yeah, I know Jasper, but if I have something or possibly have something, I want to know. I've always been a research nerd. Can you do it for me, please?"

I chanced a glance into his eyes and the small smile I saw in them told me enough. He was going to give me this, this one ounce of happiness and I'd never been more grateful in my life. "Thank you Jasper." That was all that needed to be said and Rose and I finally let him escort us to the showers.

-B-

The next few days passed all too quickly and I was once again being escorted back to the visitors' room. Jasper's question of how did I know if he was a legit therapist or not filtered through my head, but for some reason, I just stomped it down. It didn't matter because I'd already told Edward I was going to trust him and oddly enough I think I was really going to.

Jasper got the book to me the next day and I devoured it. It was a thin pocket sized book on Borderline Personality Disorder. I learned that I met just about all of the criteria for it. It originated from my abandonment from my mother, that's the root of this type of disorder. If a person is abandoned as a child, they can form this mental illness.

It also causes me to go from calm to angry in no time at all, which has been the case for me for many years now. I can't control my anger, it just happens and I snap. It also proved that my inability to hold a relationship, factors into my abandonment issues and fears. Which make sense, as I would push all of the men or even people in my life away because deep down I felt I needed to do it before they left me.

The book was extremely enlightening and now that I knew a little more about it, I had about a million and two questions for Edward. Like, what now? How do I overcome this and more importantly, can I overcome this?

My boots set the cadence and tone for my first session with Edward. This would be the beginning of so many possibilities, well I hoped so anyway. First, would be to get some answers though, before he could delve into his version of the one hundred and one questions game, I would begin the game with my own.

I rounded the corner and saw him sitting there in all his disgustingly beautiful glory. My heart was beating like a fucking drum, pounding out of my chest. It felt as if the guards and even Edward would be able to see it beating against the faded orange fabric of my jumpsuit. I'm not sure why I was so nervous, but I was and a little fearful even. It felt like Edward held all of the cards and I actually prayed that he had the winning hand here, not me.

I made eye contact with him and saw his crinkled sad eyes give a half hearted smile in an effort to soothe me. It worked if only just a little. The guards once again shoved me into the hard plastic chair and chained me down. It would be annoying if I wasn't so used to it. It made me think of how odd it would be to actually sit in a chair, have a conversation, or even eat a meal without having chains on my wrists and ankles. And then I wanted to internally kick the shit out of myself for allowing me to even think that way, to think or dream of a shackle free life.

Edward cleared his throat and I guess that was his cue to begin. "Ms. Swan, I hope you are well today or as well as can be expected." I wanted to roll my eyes at him already and he'd only uttered once sentence.

"I'm just fucking peachy Edward. How the hell are you on this fine sunshiny day? Oh is the sun even shining? I mean how the hell would I know what the weather is actually like? I've not been granted permission and a lovely escort outside yet today." I'm not sure why the bitch was coming out, she just was.

I guess my disorder was on full display for him today. Trying as hard as she could to push him away. It's always been my tactic and it's always worked. But, would Edward be different? Could I bitch and push him so hard that he would leave like the others? I'm not sure and part of me hoped that he was right and honest when he said that I could push and he wouldn't leave, but they all have in the past and who is to say he is any different?

If he was fazed by my less than stellar attitude, it didn't show. He just chuckled at me. "How about we start over? My day is shitty Ms. Swan and I'm sure yours is as well, so why don't we cut to the chase and get down to business." Yeah, maybe he wasn't going to be so bad after all. I just had to tamper down my inner bitch and listen.

I gave him a nod and might have cracked a small smile as well. What in the hell was coming over me? "Fine with me Edward. I have plenty of questions for you." I whispered the next part as I didn't want the guards to know that Jasper had been helping me out. "I've done some research on this disorder and I think you're right. I seem to meet a lot of the criteria set for it."

He leans forward and nods for me to continue and I realize he's better than I gave him credit for. He's actually getting me to open up and he didn't even have to ask me a million questions to begin with. That thought both thrills and scares the shit out of me.

Even though I gave up on religion a long time ago, I sent up a silent prayer that Edward wouldn't use this information against me and damage me further. And I prayed that he wouldn't leave me like so many others.

Then I dive in with my questions in an attempt to get to know more about myself, my disorder and my future.

**A/N: Sorry to cut if off there, the next chapter will pick up from here. **

**To those of you that just found Borderline and left me some reviews, thank you so much. Please forgive me if I don't respond to all of your reviews. It's so hard to do when I'm home with my husband and kiddos. They like attention from me, go figure. Lol. That doesn't me that I don't appreciate each and every single one of you and your thoughts on this story. They mean the world to me. **

**So as always, thanks so much for reading this story! **


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to the brilliant Stephenie Meyer**

**Thank you all so much for the alerts, favorites and reviews. They truly mean so much to me. **

**Thanks to my amazing pre-reader MrsK81, for fixing my many errors. I'd be lost without her. **

**This is not beta'd and all of the errors you see are mine. Sorry for anything I might have missed.**

**Warning: This fic will contain very dark themes. I will be sure to put up extra warnings for certain chapters.**

**I'm so sorry that it takes me forever to update this one. I really have to get in the right frame of mind to do it. I hope you all understand. **

**Last chapter: **_He leans forward and nods for me to continue and I realize he's better than I gave him credit for. He's actually getting me to open up and he didn't even have to ask me a million questions to begin with. That thought both thrills and scares the shit out of me. _

_Even though I gave up on religion a long time ago, I sent up a silent prayer that Edward wouldn't use this information against me and damage me further. And I prayed that he wouldn't leave me like so many others. _

_Then I dive in with my questions in an attempt to get to know more about myself, my disorder and my future._

**_Extra warning for this chapter!_**

**Reflecting**

**Chapter 8**

I wasted no more time dwelling on the possibilities of this disorder. I wanted to know his thoughts, before he started poking around in my head and my past. Before I allowed him to drudge up memories so painful I had to bury them to get some sort of reprieve and even still they haunted me at times.

I leaned forward with my elbows on the table, arms cuffed together in front of me; the cool metal of the cuffs, cooled my sudden onset of overheated skin.

"So, let's cut to the chase, shall we Edward? I've done some research on this disorder you think I might have and now I want to hear about it from you, in your own words."

I smirked up at him, and let him know that I still kind of feel like he's a quack and won't be able to help me. He only grinned in return in a silent warning that he was not backing down and not easily intimidated by the likes of me.

He leaned forward as well, palms flat on the table as he began to explain more about this disorder. He was telling me things I already knew. IT all stems from the abandonment you experienced as a child. You lash out in anger in an attempt to drive others away, because in the end you expect everyone to leave you, and abandon you just like when you were a child.

As I listened to the symptoms spewing from his mouth, I cringed mentally and then I got pissed. I'm pissed at her, at my mother and what she's caused me. The fact that she left, not only led me to a lifetime of abuse, both sexually and physically, it not only led me to murder and now jail time for the rest of my life, no, now the icing on the cake is, her leaving caused me to have a personality disorder. A disorder which I now have to live with for the rest of my life and the best that I can hope for is finding proper therapy that can teach me a way to cope with it, to better manage my angry outbursts.

He finished his long and detailed explanation and I just sat and listened, not making eye contact with him, but looked once again above his head at that damned clock on the wall. The same clock that kept on ticking as if to taunt me and tell me that time goes on, even if I am locked away for the rest of my life. As if to tease me and say, "You'll never get out of here and you'll rot away a bitter old woman who can't even enjoy the company of cats." I'll have to settle for a life with a bunch of old crotchety bitches like Lauren and Jessica instead.

I snapped out of my internal pity party and saw him staring at me with nothing but curiosity and concern and I didn't like it one bit. I didn't need anyone's concern and certainly not his. I didn't want him to be curious about me. I wasn't some lab rat, experiment for him to come and try to make whole again or test and see if this time he can save the poor abused girl.

I snarled at him as I said, "Listen Edward, take your pity eyes off of me."

Once again he was unfazed by my outburst; he just leaned back in his chair and studied me for another minute.

"Well, now that we've discussed what could possibly be going on with you, how about we just jump right in. Besides, the sooner we get through the hard parts of this therapy, the sooner we can possibly get you out of this place and into a mental health hospital, figure out an effective treatment plan and get you back out into the real world.

I sighed loudly in annoyance at his whimsical dreams and fantasies for my life.

"Look, don't come in here and shoot rainbows up my ass. I'm not an idiot. And besides, even if I did get out of here and into an insane asylum, what then? How long would I be there, huh? How long until I'm actually free, as you say?" I didn't realize how close I'd gotten until I heard the guards coming up behind me to settle me down, but Edward just shooed them away with a wave of his hand.

I sat back down with a scowl on my face reserved only for one, Mr. Cullen.

"Look Ms. Swan, I can't promise you anything, you're right, but how about we just work together and see where it leads and if it gets you out of here, then I'd say we'd be pretty successful." He offered a placating smile and I just wanted to punch him in his face. Yes, it was becoming more and more obvious by the second by my bubbling anger over this bronzed haired man and his words of false promises that maybe I did have this disorder.

I closed my eyes and tried to calm down, then opened them and nodded for him to continue.

He leaned forward again and placed his fingers in a steeple position, his elbows on the table. "So, Ms. Swan, why don't we just start from the beginning and work our way forward?"

I knew we were going to have to do this. I knew that if I was going to get better, I'd have to open up to him and rehash my childhood- every single wounding moment of it.

I took a deep breath and purged. I recounted how it all started with my mother leaving and the next morning's events. How my father had treated my mother the night before, how her dress was in tatters, how she read to me and cried the night before and then left without a goodbye the next morning.

I stopped again, letting the pain wash over me, owning it for the first time in my life.

Edward looked at me with kind eyes without a trace of pity.

"I can understand how that was very painful for you, especially being such a young girl. You must've felt all alone and scared when you woke up the next morning."

He hit the nail on the head with that one. "Yes, of course it hurt. I mean my mother who I considered my angel, just up and left me. I thought she was playing our favorite game of hide and go seek with me, only she was nowhere to be found and instead, _he_ found me."

I took a deep shuddering breath after that, a chill settling over me at the thought of my monster of a father.

Edward shone his kind eyes my way once more and I oddly felt calmer. "It's okay, Ms. Swan, you're safe here. Please continue when you're ready."

I didn't continue though, because it hurt and because I wasn't sure where or even how to begin to describe the horrible things that happened once he found me that morning.

As if he sensed my sudden block, he continued for me. "So, you woke up and your mother was gone, you thought she was hiding, but couldn't find her. Can you help me to understand what happened then? You said _he_, would you be referring to your father?"

I choked back a sob when he said the word father, because he was the furthest thing from what a father should be. I held back my tears as I recounted what happened next. How Charlie had found me looking for her, how he pulled my hair and yelled at me, grabbed my face and squeezed as hard as he could and spilt his beer all over me. I continued to tell Edward how my daddy told me that my mama was gone and not coming back and how he spanked me as hard as he could, because he could no longer take his anger out on her.

I didn't realize that the tears were pouring down my face until I saw Mr. Cullen hand me a tissue and waited for me to gather myself once again.

I whispered a thank you to him and he shrugged me off with a polite smile.

"Thank you for telling me all of that Ms. Swan. I can see that it really upset you to do so. I understand how scary that must have been for you as a child, watching your daddy bounce around from emotion to emotion and yelling and hurting you in the process. You must have been so afraid and felt so alone.

I just glanced up at him, wiping my eyes and waited for him to tell me. I was now a shell of the woman that was sitting in this chair moments ago. I felt broken and crumbled and we'd only just begun.

I stared back down at my tissue, ripping it to shreds, just as my inside felt. "Yes, I was terrified. I didn't know what to think or do. I didn't know how to help him and make him stop crying and yelling at me. And I was confused, because I didn't know what he meant by my mama being gone and never coming back. I just knew though, somehow, that it was my responsibility to take care of him and try to love him back to health."

Mr. Cullen chose that moment to speak up. "How did that work for you? How did it work when you tried to 'love him back to health,' as you said?"

I wasn't really sure what he meant by that and didn't really know how to answer it either. We sat there in silence for a few minutes, both contemplating this information and our next words.

I looked up at him, meeting his green eyes once again. "It didn't. It didn't work at all Edward. He took from me instead. He took so much from me. He took my love and turned it into something ugly and horrible and made me do things to him that no daughter should ever have to do _to _and _with _her father."

I was hysterical once again and just wanted to stop. This was too much and I felt like I was bleeding from the inside out, my wounds so open and fresh for the world to see. I wished I could take it all back and put it back in its nice tight jar in my head and heart, never opening it again. It felt like Pandora's Box and now it was out to wreak havoc on anyone in its path, mainly me.

I was now hyperventilating and Edward was right there in my face, kneeled in front of me and I'm not sure how he got there. He wasn't touching me as he knew better, but he was there with his gentle eyes and soothing voice urging me to breathe.

"Ms. Swan, you have to breathe okay. I know it hurts. I know it's horribly painful, but you're doing so well. I promise you are. Just keep breathing."

I did as he said and focused on his face, he stayed there with me, breathing with me the whole time until my panic assuaged.

I nodded again, letting him know I was alright and that he could continue and he slowly made his way back to his seat.

He leaned forward once more, ever the professional therapist, as he continued. "You know what I think would help?"

He held my gaze as he said, "I think you need someone to apologize to you. You need to hear that none of that was your fault. Not your mother leaving, not your father's angry words and painful abuse, none of it. You were a little girl. A frightened little girl that adored her parents. So, I'm sorry Ms. Swan. I'm sorry that you had to grow up so quickly and endure the horrendous things that you did. I'm sorry that you felt such rage and emotional and physical abuse at the hands of someone that should've loved and cherished you. I'm sorry."

And at his apology for each one of those sins, I sobbed even harder. Maybe he was right. Maybe I did need to hear that.

He let me sob until I could no longer and then offered me an empathetic smile. "You did great today Ms. Swan. Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I think that's enough for our first session though. Here's what I'd like for you to do before our next session."

I'm not sure why his words made me nervous but they did. I guess I didn't factor in that I would have to work on this outside of here.

He placed his palms on the table again, gauging my reaction. "Don't be nervous. I'm not going to make you do anything scary, I promise. I just want you to really think about what I said. Think about how none of this was your fault and that you couldn't control his actions."

I looked at him shocked that this was all he was going to make me do. I could handle this. I could really think about things. Hell, I was cut wide open now, no going back anymore. I needed to let these thoughts in and let them consume me, in order to really heal from this.

So with a hopeful nod, I let him know that I could and would do that.

He thanked me for my time and said he would see me next week. He reiterated that I did a good job today, as he grabbed his brief case and headed out of the door. My sudden calmness left with him and I was shaking as the door shut behind him.

How could I go back in there when I was so ripe and fresh with memories and hurt? I would be an easy target today for sure. I needed to get ahold of myself and as the guard came over and unhooked my chains from the chair, my "don't mess with me" attitude was firmly back in place.

One thing was for sure; I needed a smoke after that. My nerves, though concealed on the outside, were frayed and tattered on the inside. Maybe I could find Rose out in the courtyard before we began or in her case, resumed our chores for the day.

The guard must have sensed my need and eased up on me for a minute, because he ushered me outside to let me light up and enjoy a moment of tension relief in the bliss that was a Marlboro Red.

I breathed in and out, inhaling the nicotine and letting it soothe my nervousness. A few minutes later, the loud voice of my cellmate interrupted my moment of peace.

"What's up bitch? How'd the therapy go?" She walked over to me, our guards not too far away. I reached into my pocket and offered her a cigarette and a light, without her asking. There was no point anyway, this was routine by now.

I inhaled and exhaled a few more puffs before I responded. "Um—it was alright. You know just talked and shit is all."

I didn't make eye contact with her, just focused on the cherry of her cig as she moved the stick around with her hand gestures.

She took a puff as well, before she called me on my bullshit, but again I wasn't ready to talk to her about this. Not yet anyway. I feared I would break down like I did in that tiny room if I tried to explain what had happened in there.

"I'm sorry Rose," I said as I stamped out my cigarette. "Please just give me a little more time. It was rough and that's all I'm going to say right now okay."

She thought that over for a second, reading my nonverbal I'm sure, before she stamped her stick out as well. "I get it B. I really do, but just know I'm here okay, always."

I nodded, my eyes blurring once again over her kindness and support. "No, don't go crying on me bitch. Let's go see what these jackasses have planned for us today. I've been working on cleaning the mess hall, but that's done. I'm hoping we can sweet talk Jasper into letting us do laundry for the rest of the day."

Yes, this is why I loved her. She took care of me and didn't push when I wasn't ready. The guards ushered us back to our cells and we followed willingly in comfortable silence. My mind was still racing and was neither comfortable nor silent though.

When we got back and they let us in, we just sat and waited, hoping Jasper would be the one to come by with our chore duties. And thank the good Lord above, we caught a break and that crazy curly hair and his dimpled cheeks came into view.

He unlocked our cell and we sat on our beds waiting for him to tell us where to go. "Ladies, I'll be escorting you to the laundry facility at this time. You will both be our lovely laundry queens for the day."

I couldn't help but giggle at his words. I again thought about how thankful I was for both Jasper and Rose, my brother and sister. I could do this. I could survive reliving this, as long as they were here to catch me when I fell from the weight of letting it go.

**A/N: Hey all, again I'm sorry for the long breaks between updates, but I'll finish this one. I love it, but it takes a lot out of me to write something this dark. It gives me good practice on my therapy skills though. **

**Thanks so much for reading this one. I know it's not an easy read, that's why you are so important to me.**


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